Day 19 of 100 days of Me - Dangerous Singularity

"There is always that one person who can send you a text and cause you to smile instantly" - unknown

This morning, I sat outside, wrote in my journal and enjoyed the warmth of the gorgeous sun beaming down on me.  I'm in a fabulous mood and all because I'm happy, healthy, rich and have a life full of passion - not because of anyone else.  This is all good news.

In this journey of 19 days, I get to do much soul searching and reflection and it has awoken a number of realizations, I'd not had before.  At least, I wasn't aware of them as fully as I am now.  I have found out some very interesting truths about myself, I'd not acknowledged before.

Truth #1 - I do not do single well.

It isn't because I need someone - I don't.  I make enough money to do or go anywhere I want.  I am technically inclined and can fix anything I need to.  I have great friends, male and female, who are there for me in a heartbeat. They will be there if I need support, and if I said I really needed the company, I'd be welcome (lucky for them, I don't do this to them ;)).  I am never alone in my heart - I am solo often in my physical environment, but with the advent of the internet I always have someone I can text, or talk to online.  I am fortunate to have more than one person who will make me smile.  So what is the problem then? How can I say I do not do single well, and what does this really mean?

There is indeed a reason I married the man I did, and stayed in the relationship for 15 years.  I really like having someone I can count on to be there on a consistent basis.  I enjoy having that friend who I can share so much with.  I like having someone who really knows me, so that with a glance, they know exactly what I'm thinking and when I send a quick text, they understand completely what the joke is about.  I love sharing stories of my day with someone, and hearing how theirs was.  Someone I can open up a conversation with at 10pm, and not feel like I'm intruding on perhaps another person's relationship.  I can't really call my girlfriend OR any of my guy friends at 10pm and not expect them to think it is weird....

Tonight the Ottawa Redblacks are playing, and I won't be going because I have no one to go with.  Had of I been in a relationship, they likely would have gone with me - true, perhaps they didn't like football and I'd not have them to go with - but then if I call another guy to go, there wouldn't be that expectation that I'm after them, they'd come along, because I was already "taken". See how that works?  Guys seem to like hanging out when the situation is "safe" - once you are single, you become slightly dangerous in their eyes and they avoid too much contact ;)  At least, that is what I've experienced over the years.

Perhaps if I had more single friends with common interests, true friends, and not prospects, I'd have more opportunity to get together to do the events I love.

The biggest problem that I have in being single, and perhaps some of you will relate (I certainly hope I'm not alone in this regard), is that I automatically, and uncontrollably (trust me, these 20 days have proven this is not under my control), become the hunter.

It seems to be instinctual and difficult to suppress.  I am always watching, looking, searching and evaluating everyone I meet to determine if there is something there.  I do not seem to have the ability to turn that off, and quite frankly, it can be exhausting and negative to come up empty handed.  I'd feel the same way trudging through the bush all day and not coming home with the deer/partridge.  I love boating, and being out fishing is a great time but I really want to have the fish at the end of the journey.  If we do not catch anything, we come home slightly disappointed, do we not ?  I am ever an optimist and push away negativity in my life, so this is a bit disconcerting, that it continues to permeate my livelihood.

I've got 80 days more to work on perfecting this singularity.

So many of us find ourselves single, either by choice, or by circumstance - some more tragically than others. Wouldn't it be nice if I could find a way to advise you on how to cope with that reality? I'll give it a go over the next weeks... see what I can come up with.

Step 1 - find replacements for those "needs" we had when we were in a relationship - or for anyone who has never been in one, what you BELIEVE you would gain from having one.

My needs could be summarized as follows:
- someone to talk to (anytime is the key here)
- someone to hang with
- stop hunting automatically

I'm thinking all we need to do is lay out what we think we need and then find other means to meet that need.  In my case, I need to get together a list of all my friends that will suit the above two needs, and get them on the same page as me.  I need to be clear to the men in my life that if I call them, I'm not looking for anything but the friendship - perhaps this would alleviate the need to remain distant due to my dangerous singularity.

If I reach out to someone it's because I want to chat, it isn't because I want anything more from them - this would be my own fault if I hadn't been clear - or, if in the beginning, I'd had another agenda and has led them to feel worried that my expectation is not what I say it is.  These are all things we need to consider carefully and be clear in our communication with each other.

Keep honest to yourself, and be honest with others - then the way is much clearer...

Lastly, how to stop automatic hunting.

Fun story - last night I was out to dinner and at least 7 men came up to me, to pick me up.  Not kidding.  Each had their own way, but it was obvious, unless I was interested, I was in trouble.  So I quickly turned off the hunt by telling each of them, I was with the bartender ;) (Yes, I checked with the bartender first and he agreed in my fantasy).  So I'm thinking the only way we can turn off the hunter instinct, is to pretend we are ALREADY with someone.  Someone safe, and far away.  Hmm... I could continue to pretend I date the bartender, that'd be fun.  For now, he'll have to do.  ;)

Fun Quotes:

“Without a doubt... the worst part of being a single woman was having to take care of your own car.”
― Lisa Kleypas, Rainshadow Road

“You Will Never Live A Perfect Life - Getting In A Relationship Is Like Diving In A Sea, You Can Drown And Whales And Sharks Can Kill You. On The Other Hand, Being Single Is Like Staying Away From That Water, You Will Starve.”
― Cyc Jouzy

“When you are feeling sad and lonely because you are single, remember that there are a lot of people stuck in bad relationships who wish they could be in your shoes.”
― Pamela Cummins, Psychic Wisdom on Love and Relationships

“Your single not because you are not good enough for one, it's that you're too good for the wrong one.”
― Chris Burkmenn