As my work day is very busy, and on top of it, I pickup my daughter from her camp, and get to my training which was 50 kilometers of bike racing through the Ottawa region, up to the Experimental Farm and back to Aylmer where we began. Today was mostly uneventful. There were though, some interesting observations to share, passing through this first day with the new attitude.
When you aren't searching for something, it is amazing the sense of peace you have over everything around you. You suddenly aren't concerned with finding it, so all the things you needed to do can be put aside... let's use an analogy. You are in a boat, fishing all day for fish. To catch a fish you need a lure, you need bate, you need all the tools, you stress about the time of day to be out, you worry about the placement of the boat, speed in which you are trolling, etc. etc... You then decide you are not interested in catching fish. It doesn't matter if you have any lures, or bate, you can enjoy any speed and can especially simply enjoy the view of the lake, and those mountains in the distance, you never noticed before... Funny how today I changed. Although I still wanted to look appropriate for work, I didn't care to make any impressions, I didn't stress about the choices of clothing or hairstyles. Seeing someone didn't mean I had to decide if it would go anywhere - I'd already chosen to believe that it wasn't - so conversations are so easy without expectation for more, without worry for direction. I didn't obsess over receiving any texts, was surprised and happy to receive what I did - grateful, instead of relieved.
My eldest daughter, was proud of my posting, but worried for me in being so public with my feelings, and worried "guys aren't going to talk to you now you know"... I'm glad to tell her, that was not true. Guys are still talking to me ;) I want her to know that we are safe being ourselves. We are safe being honest. We are okay when we decide to follow a different path than the norm... we will survive this because we are strong enough to survive anything we set our minds to.
Its difficult to describe more without implicating the innocent, so I'll share only one more thought. What is most exceptional and important to know about my decision to focus on ME, is how much at peace I am today. I have no restlessness. I have no fear. I only have gratitude for the friends I have in my life, and the men, who continue to support me no matter how "crazy" I am. Thank you. xo
One last note for the women in my life (men may not enjoy this bit): After feeling sad yesterday, and choosing to do this 100 days of ME, I found out I had just gotten my period. I know what you are thinking. This is the reason I was so emotional over something so stupid, in the first place. I could have simply wrote a letter today saying "oh Nevermind! It was just my period talking!" As, I do find my hormones go on a bender this time of the month, and I am never truly myself.... I needed to make the conscious decision to continue despite the recognition that it may have only been hormonal. What is important for each of us to realize in our lives, is how important our sense of self is - how important it is to love yourself for you, and to stop yourself from feeling that you need another person to make you whole.
In the next 99 days, I intend to prove to myself that I am completely whole. Normally I am a strong person, but too often these past couple of months, I have had too many doubts. More than this, I intend to get over my "fear" of being without someone. Being with someone will be a choice, not a need.
Two of my favourite quotes on fear:
1. "To overcome your fear, all you have to do is realize the fear is there, and do the action you fear anyways". Peter McWilliams
2. "Fear is the path that leads to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering." - Yoda
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