Day 52 of 100 days of me - TIME to LIVE.

On day 2, I posted the expression, "If you are depressed, you are living in the past; If you anxious, you are living in the future; if you are at peace, you are living in the present"

I am not depressed but I do sometimes feel sad for things that have passed. Days that were so enjoyable I miss them terribly and just want that back here with me, right now...

I am not anxious but I do sometimes worry about what the future may bring... what is going to happen? Will everything I hope for, come true... etc.. etc...

I have not yet learned to be completely at peace, and live entirely in the present.

HOW though???...

Yes, I am still finishing the book, the Power of Now.. and I haven't quite gotten to all the "how to" parts yet... I will get there, I promise.  In the meantime, this is what I DO KNOW:



The way we live in the present, and forget both past and future is to actually LIVE IN THE PRESENT.

What are you choosing to do right now?
What are you thinking about right now?
What people are you allowing to influence you, right now?

In order to be present, you must focus your mind on RIGHT NOW.

Stop thinking about yesterday, good or bad, it is gone now.
Stop thinking about tomorrow, unless you need to book an appointment or plan an event, it isn't here, Stop thinking about it.

Sit down, make a list of everything you would LOVE to do, if money and time were no option.
Then pick one and ask yourself, even if I don't have money, or time, what CAN I do, right now.

There is always chores, house cleaning, sorting, organizing... but difficult sometimes to motivate yourself to do those... so instead, what about the FUN stuff... those things you love.

For me....
Right now, I can write my blog.
Right now, I can finish my novel that I started, yes, in 2008....
Right now, I can play my guitar
Right now, I can record a new original song
Right now, I can call a friend I haven't spoken to in forever
Right now, I can play my favourite songs, sort through my old things and give away to Salvation Army the things I don't use any more
Right now, I can pick up that book I didn't finish, and finish it (I have many options of books to read!)
Right now, I can pour myself a glass of wine, and go sit outside and enjoy the gorgeous evening, not thinking about the past or the future, but loving this very moment of life.

What I will not do, right now, is feel sad for what is no longer here... and definitely not worry about what tomorrow has in store for me...

It's time to go LIVE ;)

xo

Day 51 of 100 - Fear of Love

So what are we afraid of anyways ? Fear is an overwhelming emotion, that will destroy any advancement, any success, any true emotional bonds with another person.

I remember standing on the rock, overlooking the ocean.  It was Hawaii, not that long ago. The sky was a beautiful rich blue, the ocean waves were wide and deep.  I looked down and realized that it seemed to be an incredible drop, likely 100 feet to the water.  I can't tell you what the real distance was as I never did get a measurement, nor did I jump.  There was one person already down in the water, treading water, holding a camera ready for his friends to jump.  There were three guys and one girl lined up to the right of me laughing, preparing.  I watched each of them jump.  My heart skipped a beat.  My palms were sweating with the excitement.  They landed, feet first, into the pacific and took a few minutes to go under and come back up.  WOW!!!   I wanted to go too.  I was wearing a long dress at the time, and I was thinking it wouldn't take long to run back to the car and change into my bathing suit.  But I didn't.  I was scared to go.  I thought the people I was with would find it an inconvenience.  I regret that moment.  I wish I had jumped.  I wish I had felt that air flow by me, and the wet, warm waters of the pacific engulf me as I traveled down below the water's surface and then pushed my arms downwards to get myself back up.

I wish I had, but I didn't.

When someone tells me they are afraid to do something, I am the very first to tell them to work through that fear. That our moments only come in few and far between opportunities and we have to jump at the chance when we get it.  We cannot let our fear of failure stop our doing something we love, or realizing a dream, or taking a chance....

I will rarely allow fear stop me.  This includes dancing in an open room when no one else has been brave enough to get up on the dance floor. This includes singing outloud, my absolute favourite song, without any backing tracks, a guitar to protect me, or yes, even effects to disguise my voice ;)

There are so many who are afraid of being in love.  They are afraid they would lose themselves. They are afraid of not having control.  They are afraid of being left.  They are afraid of so many things, I don't even understand.  

Psychology today writes, "So many of us live in fear of being vulnerable. We are told early on to be smart and toughen up. The dating world accepts, even promotes a culture of game-playing. Don’t call her for at least three days. Don’t say “I love you” first. Don’t tell him how you feel. Don’t let her see how much you like her. Being vulnerable is a mark of strength, not weakness. It means ignoring the voices in your head and acting on how you really feel. When you do this, you learn that you can survive, even when you get hurt. You’ll be able to live with more honesty and possibility, knowing that you’ve stayed yourself, even when the world around you wasn’t perfect."

I can't believe in this world.  I will not buy into this game playing.  You've heard me say this before, but it needs repeating now.  I hope these words give you the strength you are looking for, to get over your own fears.  I will travel far to be with you, if I love you.  I will tell you how I feel, if I love you.  I will not wait three days, just to show how tough I am.  I think I'm showing you, how tough I am, by being brave enough to be vulnerable. As perhaps I will not be loved back, perhaps the sentiment will not be reciprocated. But I will not be that girl on the edge, that never jumped.  

"What happens, if I find the man of my dreams, and he doesn't find me worthy??"

This is the fear of never being good enough.  

Jennifer Blanchard writes, "Know that you are good enough—Confidence starts with knowing what you’re good at and using it to your advantage. Make a list of all the things you’re good at, whether that be writing, playing video games or grilling a mean steak. When you reflect on the things that you are already good at, it helps get you in a more positive state-of-mind, which can then help boost your confidence enough to try something new (like writing)."

Take the time to write out what you are good at. Write out what makes you unique and what would make someone else very lucky to have you.  Write it out, so you can see it.  

When we take the time to write out our fears, our weaknesses, and then our strengths and our dreams - it puts us right where we need to be, to see the positive influence those words will have in our lives.

I can't tell you to just don't be afraid - that won't work.

I can tell you that fear can be erased, through practice, through acceptance and through a good old fashioned jump.

Just jump - only then can you know the truth.

xo

Day 50 of 100 days of me - BE BRAVE

On this fiftieth day I've got to tell you this has been the most interesting time for me.  I never imagined how much I could learn from writing.  This experience has been a wonderful journey of learning for me.  I have so much to offer to people on why and how to write - it is rejuvinating, refreshing and has made me better for it.  I love that so many of you read this blog and share with me your stories and your thankfulness.  It gives me encouragement to continue. I hope to inspire you, as I am trying to keep myself inspired.

The blog has shaped me, as I write the transformations and lessons to you.  I am no perfect being though, from my initial outset, of all the so called rules I made for myself, I've had many relapses.  I've cheated myself on nearly every one of my rules.  Truly if you look at day 0, you'll see I anticipated failure on many accounts.  I knew myself better than anyone, and know that even if we have a goal, doesn't mean we can stay on track 100% of the time.  We need to have forgiveness for ourselves and just learn to get back up again.  Lucky for you, it's only me that pays the price.  You need to know I am as human as any other, and learning from our own choices is part of the journey itself.

 

I can truly tell you that in nearly two months, I am stronger; I am happier; and I am excited to continue to grow and share with you this growth.

Together, we'll survive this crazy life.
and dammit - we're going to have fun doing so ;)

xo

 

Day 49 - The Bike

I completely remember my first bike.  Learning to ride it.  Likely because my mom took a photograph, and seeing it over the years, helped me to remember that moment.   I think we may have been at Bellevue Park.  The details I do not remember.  I had someone, likely my mom or dad, holding the back of my seat as I tried to balance on those nasty two wheels!  How difficult.  It didn't come naturally.  Training wheels were put on in the meantime so I could get used to the feel of it without falling over. 

On Church St., where we grew up where three boys who lived down the road from me and were my best friends.  Some friends! They teased the heck out of me for having those training wheels, but I loved the bike.  I loved to go fast.  I love the feel of the wind in my hair - I still do!

Eventually the training wheels came off and I had my first major biking accident - problem was, I was not the one driving and this is not how one should bike.  We were camping at Pancake Bay on lake Superior, and I had met a new friend who was biking along the paved roads leading in and out of the campsites.  We liked to double ride, so I jumped on the back of the bike and placed my feet on the sides of the bike frame near the back tire.  As we went along, something went wrong and my left foot slipped off of the frame and INTO the spokes of the back tire.  The bike came to a screeching halt throwing us both and my ankle was a cut and bleeding mess.  Likely needed stitches but old fashioned mindsets and too far a drive to the hospital meant my ankle was wrapped and I sat with it up for the rest of the vacation.  I still have the aweful scar to prove how stupid that was.

I remember often biking around the city, I always had a bike but I again, was not a competitor and didn't even know that there was such a thing as a bike race.  Even going to university in Montreal I can remember going for bike rides with my boyfriend around the island.  Loved this time together.  Gave me the confidence that I would need later, when the triathlon sport would call me to get back on the bike.

As soon as I realized my swim times were competitive, and my run times were also strong, I had decided in my mind I need a REALLY Good bike to be competitive on.  I have never spent so much money on such a vehicle but I felt it was important if I was going to take this racing seriously.  I love my Cervelo.  It is a dream to ride.  The smooth gears, lightweight frame and tri bars to rest on for the long distances is a great ride.

In fact, I've come to love riding my bike more than any of the other sports.  I could cycle all the time, I love it that much.  Most especially the hills, going up may be a challenge but coming back down is SO much fun!!!

Next on the list is to improve my cycling on the hills and get up to a distance of 180km with ease for the full Ironman distance.  Will not be easy, but most certainly will be fun.

Day 48 of 100 - The Swim

When I was a young trooper in my home town of SSM, I belonged to the YMCA. I took my initial siwmming lessons there and even had diving lessons.  I became a good swimmer, not great, and never joined into any competititions.  My mother wanted me to learn to swim so she didn't have to worry about me in the water.  I've wanted the same for my children.

As I got older I loved boating, and the swimming that went hand in hand with these adventures.  Even without any real training or coaching I was confident in the water and loved being there.  As a family we camped over the years at many locations including Pancake Bay on the Eastern shoreline of Lake Superior.  There, there were days where the largest of the great lakes, had waves like the ocean waves, large with a strong undertow.  You learned to swim in a lake like that one. 

The firsts swim competition I did was a 200m swim for the try a tri early bird triathlon in Ottawa.  I had a lot of fun.  I didn't win anything except a new found love for triathlons and the swim portion needed to do it. 

I had to sign up for another.

I had already ran a 10K, and knew I could do that, as well, I had been biking for years and couldn't see how a 45K ride would be difficult (eye opener came soon enough), so I decided my next Triathlon would be the Olympic.  I would need to practice to swim 1500 meters, bike 45K and then run 10K.  Seemed to be no problem in my mind.

I showed up at the Plant pool one lunch hour, new goggles, swim cap and speedy bathing suit and slipped into the water.  I took a quick glance up at the clock and noted the time.  I had already determined that to swim 1500 meters I needed to go back and forth 60 times the 25m length of the pool.  I didn't train up to this, didn't practice before, just decided I would swim the 1500 meters to be sure I could do it.  Kinda nuts in the grand scheme of things.  This wasn't unusual behaviour for me.

I started the laps, counting up to 20, then starting over again, counting to 20 and then one last time.  The last 20 were much easier than the first.  I've found with swimming you are very stiff and it is difficult to move seemlessly through the water at first.  Takes quite a bit of laps to get the acid out of your muscles, to loosen up and enjoy the swim.  If you are a first time swimmer you may give up when you start to feel fatigue but I say, press on, as after a few more laps your body adapts to the foreign motion and you start to swim easier.

When I was done I stood up, took off the goggles and looked up at the clock.  Thirty five minutes had passed.  The gentleman in the lane beside me asked me how I did.  I told him my time and asked him did that sound pretty ok for a 1500 meter swim ?  Yes! He exclaimed, making me feel very proud.  It was an excellent time.  I was a strong swimmer.  Hmph.  You can imagine what happened in that moment in my mind.  I had never competed, I had never practiced and yet I was being told I was good.  THAT MEANS.... if I practice, and I compete, I'll be GREAT....  I was hooked.  Doesn't take much to get me excited towards a sport.  This is how my swimming began.  My first love in the triathlon sport.

I finished that Olympic Triathlon in 3rd place in my age group.  The swim went very well, and gave me the confidence I needed to sign up the half ironman 2K swim this year.  I wanted better training and so I joined the Kanata Surfers Master's Club who has an incredible coach who changed my swimming for the better.  My form needed some real correction.  Watching YouTube videos simply didn't cut it for me.  I needed her to watch and correct me every week.

In the 2K I swam this past September 7th, I completed it in 36 minutes.  500 meters more than my 1500m in the pool and I did it in the same time.  This is my training and coaching that has made the difference.  Even my breathing under water and control of holding my breath, and breathing from each side has come up to excellent condition. 

Over this next year, my goal is to train for 3.8Km swim in the FULL Ironman.  To do so means I need to be in the pool, getting in the laps 3 times per week.  Monday, Wednesday, and Friday mornings.  In order to win, I need to improve my times by 5 seconds per 100meters. With practice I can do this.  I know I can.  Committment, Discipline, and Focus.  Thats all.

Day 47 of 100 - True Friends

There comes a time when we need to focus again on what is important to us, our families, our work, our personal goals, and reduce the amount of time we share with our extended friends and families.  No one can do it all - priorities need to be set - choices made - and some relationships need to take a back seat to others.


When we have friends do this, it can be taken badly at first, as we feel like we've perhaps lost a closeness that we had learned to love.  It is so important to our own livelihood, and theirs, to not take this personnally.  Everyone needs to take the time and space they need to refocus.  There will be our time to do so, and we cannot allow ourselves to be affected or hurt by this. We need to be proud, and supportive even when we don't understand their decision, or worst yet, disagree with their choices.

True friends are those that, throughout the years, allow us to be away, not talking every day, not seeing each other every moment, yet when we come back together it is truly as though we had never been apart.  Sure there are so many details and events that may have occured to catch back up on, but the bonds you share never changed. 



I can think of a few key people in my life who I love dearly, that I may not have spoken to for some time, but I know they would be there for me, if I called upon them, and when we do get back in touch, it will have been as though there weren't any distance whatsoever.

 

 As we each take a look at our lives, and refocus on what is important to us, do not forget to take the time to still reach out and let each other know that we care - because even though there may be extended silence, our hearts do not forget and our friendship will never die. 

 

Day 46 of 100 - Home

I sat there, propped up high in the chair, having my hair trimmed by a lovely Asian woman, who's english was broken but clear.  She was exceptionally friendly and began to tell me some of her stories, and explain to me the differences between herself and her very good friend.  Both of them were not in relationships, the difference was her friend was very social, went out a lot, and felt very lonely at home.

She, on the other hand, called herself a "homebody", didn't go out very much and loved being home.  She said that the reason you don't like being home alone is because you've been out being social.  She explained, that if you don't want to feel alone at home, you need to stay home alone more often, and enjoy MAKING a home out of it. 




This was quite interesting to me as I have definitely had that sensation.  So for background, I need to explain that I absolutely love being alone.  I love to sew, read, write, paint, draw, clean, organize, research, create, sleep... I have so much to do at my home, when I'm alone.  I could never be bored. 

Yet, if I've been out having a couple drinks with friends, I get home and I'm anxious.  Friends know that this is when I text them, because I need their company.  She is right.  We psychologically get excited by the social environment we were in, and do not enjoy the sudden emptiness of our home when the party is over.

If we take the time to love our homes, make them a space we love being in, doesn't that make it easier to accept once we get home.  She explained that one needs to go home more often, spend time at home, to be well in it alone.

I had never reflected on that before.  Makes excellent sense to me.

Day 45 of 100 happiness

"happiness was a luxury they couldn't afford"

This is the philosophy of our grandparents and parents. It is little wonder they do not understand our plight. They came through the depression of the 30s, or were surviving the war of the 40s.  They barely had a roof over their head, food on the table, or money to survive. Life itself was a gift. Disease would ravage a village with little doctors or medicine to spare. Yet here we sit, complaining we aren't happy. We complain our dreams aren't coming true. We are dissatisfied with our relationships, our work and our children are nearly beyond reproach.

We are lucky to have a roof, have a job, have money for food, have someone to love.

I often feel guilty for how spoiled I truly am.

It is shameful to not be grateful.

Today is a day to sit back and simply be thankful for life itself. To remember those that suffered for our freedom. It isn't a guarantee, such that people in other areas of the world are fighting for their families lives today. Many are losing.

May we take time to remember,  complain less, and thank more.

Xo

Day 44 of 100 - marriage

I've spent much of this blog discussing handling being solo, knowing yourself and protecting the core of who you are in and out of relationships. I have not mentioned at all how to make a marriage work.

I happen to be an expert on the topic, despite the fact that my recent marriage has ended. (caveat added after the fact: Yes, you can be an expert in the knowledge of an area in which you are not practicing.  Coaches, do not play the sport, yet they can tell you how to win a game... Doctors do not have the disease, but they can tell you what to do about it.... I am no longer married, but I have read and studied and paid attention long enough to know what it takes.)

I was married 10 years this April, and felt we had a very good working relationship. We knew what it took to make it work. Tolerance, commitment to an end goal, and a lot of laughs.

We met five years before we married. I wanted to settle down and have children, he was scared out of his mind (I believe. My perception only, his story could be completely different).

I figured it was just because he was male :)  Took five years of debating whether we should even be together, and the coming of my baby girl, to settle us both down. I know he had no regrets, despite his probably never wanting children, he is madly in love with his daughter, and was a good supporter of me with my older children from another relationship.

I have no regrets at all.

We had great times, and struggled through some miserable ones.  But that is what marriage is - it is working together through the largest hills, getting up to the top of them, so that the ride down the other side is fun, incredible, and worth the pain.

The funniest of memories for me was the photograph of what I remember to be a German Shepherd, growling ferociously, that my husband kept in his car. We often got to talk about the though things as we were traveling from one event to another. As soon as the conversation got heated, and we were not agreeing perhaps, he'd pull out the dog and growl. Immediately, I'd laugh, and we'd resolve whatever the debate was, with humour. We laughed often. It was a huge part in our making our marriage work for so many years.

You must have lots of laughs.

Tolerance is another big one. Every one of us is flawed. Every one of us have baggage, issues, weakness, bad habits, and yes, even annoyances, that we each bring to the table.

We will not see eye to eye on every issue, but if we go into any situation with tolerance, patience, understanding, we can come out the other side, successful.

Balance is another big one. What each of you may lack in, on one side, must be made up, on the other. So, for a funny example, a man wants a woman who is a great cook and a great lover - then balance would be being an incredible cook, and an ok lover.  I believe we don't have to have it all - no one is that perfect - but balance is what allows us to remain tolerant through the toughest times.

Commitment to the greater goals - in any marriage, you'd better have discussed what the goals are if you're intending to commit to them. Every one sees things differently, if you didn't discuss this, that could cause problematic assumptions.

I feel sad for people who have had bad relationships who say they'll never marry again.

I have every belief that I will be in a committed relationship again. I don't need a wedding, but I do look forward to hitting those hills, hard.

Dedicated to all who are not single, and working hard to make it work.

The stability, the love, the sweat, and the tears are more than worth it.

Xo

Day 43 enjoy your ride!

A coworker shared this quote with me today. It is written by Santiago, a competitor to Armstrong :

> “There I am alone with my bike. I know of only two riders ahead of me as I near the end of the second climb on what most riders consider the third worst mountain stage in the Tour. I say ‘most riders’ because I do not fear mountains. After all, our country is nothing but mountains. I train year-round in the mountains. I am the national champion from a country that is nothing but mountains. I trail only my teammate, Fernando Escartin, and a Swiss rider. Pantani, one of my rival climbers, and the Gringo Armstrong are in the Peleton about five minutes behind me. I am climbing on such a steep portion of the mountain that if I were to stop pedaling, I will fall backward. Even for a world-class climber, this is a painful and slow process. I am in my upright position pedaling at a steady pace willing myself to finish this climb so I can conserve my energy for the final climb of the day. The Kelme team leader radios to me that the Gringo has left the Peleton by himself and that they can no longer see him. I recall thinking ‘the Gringo cannot catch me by himself’.

> A short while later, I hear the gears of another bicycle. Within seconds, the Gringo is next to me – riding in the seated position, smiling at me. He was only next to me for a few seconds and he said nothing – he only smiled and then proceeded up the mountain as if he were pedaling downhill. For the next several minutes, I could only think of one thing – his smile. His smile told me everything. I kept thinking that surely he is in as much agony as me, perhaps he was standing and struggling up the mountain as I was and he only sat down to pass me and discourage me. Not possible. The truth is that his smile said everything that his lips did not. His smile said to me, ‘I was training while you were sleeping Santiago’. It also said, ‘I won this tour four months ago, while you were deciding what bike frame to use in the Tour. I trained harder than you did, Santiago. I don’t know if I’m better than you, but I have outworked you, and right now you cannot do anything about it. Enjoy your ride, Santiago. See you in Paris’.”

I loved this quote. He who trains hardest, sacrifices most, outworks the others will win. 

Better than that, is the smile. 

If you love it, it is that much easier. 

Enjoy your ride! 

Day 42 - mindfulness

I woke up this morning to the ted talks video 10 min of mindfulness. My girlfriend had posted it on my Facebook wall as a little gift for me. So many elements of the speaker resonated with every thing I've been trying to accomplish these past weeks.

The Challenge: For 10 minutes each day spend the time doing nothing. Really nothing.

I tried it tonight.  I sat down on my hotel room floor (yes ew gross)  crossed my legs, and did nothing.

I had set my timer to ring in 10 minutes time.

It wasn't difficult to sit and do nothing, although this is rare for me. No texting, no Facebook, no Internet, no music, no reading, no writing.

I did start to think about work. About friends. About life. I really tried to silence the thoughts and nearly fell asleep. Then the timer went off.

I'm pretty sure I didn't do it right. Didn't truly meditate. I didn't really live purely on the moment but I'm quite sure with appropriate practice I could do it. I'm going to continue to try.

Training involved for mindfulness is so available to us through books, meditation classes, even you tube.

We only need to accept it as important.

As I sit here having a Merlot, the end of an excellent day, I think it's an investment I'm willing to give a go to.

I can use the peace of mind.

Xo

Day 41 time

"How did it get so late so soon?" - Dr. Seuss 

I swear it was just the beginning of August. That month picked up and flew away faster than a F 18.... Time sure flies. We must be having fun.




Now it's nearly the end of September, and my brain is still in August.

41 days is only 9 days short of halfway. Don't worry about me, I do this in my races as well. Every few kilometers my race is broken into manageable fractions, and I tell myself how close I am to being done.

Maybe that's the wrong attitude. Maybe I'm rushing the best parts of my life by counting down.

I brought the book, "the power of now" , with me as I work in Calgary this week. I am trying to absorb the notion and language of living right now, but I still struggle.

I yearn for more when I should be happy with this moment.

I look to future fun times when I should love this precise time, right now.

Our lives should not be rushed. Appreciate this time right now, in front of us. For me, right now, I get to write, I get to appreciate my bed in the hotel room, I get to appreciate being warm, dry, fed, and content.

What do you appreciate right now?

Day 40 of 100 - the point

I've had some opportunity to speak with people about this blog, and I'm thinking not everyone understands the point of it.

I thought I could share today, the fortieth day of this journey, some insight behind what it is all about.

Let me start with what it is not.

It is not a challenge to remain celibate.  It was not my need, wish, or want to be alone, or away from men. It is not an attempt to understand what being single is like. It most especially is not a time to mourn, nor recover.

It purely and simply is a blog to talk about focusing on yourself in a positive way for 100 days, and not get depressed or beat yourself up if a guy isn't interested in a relationship with you.

That's it.

Don't beat yourself up.
Have goals that are important to you.
Know what you want in life.
Love without expectation.
Dream big and don't hold back.
Be okay with yourself.
Understand what and why relationships are important to you.
Take time to know who would be best for you.
Don't obsess.
Don't rush.
Have patience.
And most of all :

No matter what choices you make, and whomever you are with, have respect for yourself.

Love yourself most.

I believe I am there. In only 40 days I've changed my attitude and my outlook. I am in a better place now, than when I began this journey.

I am not ignoring men - as they need to be very much a part of this, if I'm going to learn how to behave well and stay respectful towards myself.

I hope that gives some clarity to my goals.

The point of this blog, this journey, is not to be without men, but to not lose sight of myself, with them.

Xo

Day 39 - the dance

I watched her as she moved, gracefully, beautifully, captivating anyone who saw her. She flowed onto the room, the most brilliant smile, laughing for the sake of it, hugging everyone she knew. Their faces lit up immediately upon seeing her, the night not quite complete without her presence. She began to dance, needing no partner, no permission, allowing the music to wisp her away, acting out the words to each song, an artist at expression, an actress in her own sketch.  Men and women alike mesmerized, watching her. Some would take their place beside her, mimicking her moves, smiling along with her, allowing themselves this moment of freedom, of shameless expression, of enriching their souls through the musical journey.

I want to be able to dance like this. Maybe I'm too shy, maybe too guarded, or perhaps I simply have not allowed myself to be so free.

I think we could all use a taste of this freedom, to dance like no one is watching, to sing in full voice without a care, and to be so full of life that everyone around you brightens up from your energy.

To think I could learn such life lessons from watching my own child, living life to the fullest, warming the hearts of many, but mostly not allowing fear of what other people may think stop you from being wild and free.

This is truly living.

Day 38 of 100 love in the fullest way

Children are adorable. I have kissed the cheeks of my babies a million times. As they got  older of course they'd push me away. I was gross and annoying. I loved those little round pink cheeks so much I could burst. Then I'd turn my cheek towards them and blow up my face with air to encourage them to kiss me back. They'd kiss my cheek with a ferocity to force the air out of my lips. I would laugh at how happy it made them, knowing inside that no one was happier than me. 

Next, I'd stare into their eyes with great seriousness and tell them how much I loved them,  in fact, more than the vastness of the ocean.  They'd look back at me, full competition in their eyes, and tell me they loved me more than that, more than all the stars in the sky... This could go on a while.... 

There was nothing I'd not give up for their safety and security. Money and time meant nothing. I was a mother bear in the protection of their welfare. There was no job I wouldn't take on to ensure they had what they needed. 

Even my pride carried no weight against my fierce love for them.  I suffered immensely at the words, hands, and threats of my older children's father, and regret not a drop of it. I would swallow that horrid medicine again, and again if it meant we come out stronger, happier and alive. 

Look at them now. 

Look at how gorgeous, smart, strong, talented, respectful, giving, and loving they are. 

I'm so proud in love. 

Love is what makes it all worthwhile. 

You may not have children, but love has no scope, no boundaries, no limits. You may love fiercely your friends, your partner, your pets, your hobbies.... 

Whatever or whomever you love, I hope you will not be afraid to love fully and deeply. Let it all go. Hold nothing back. 

It's the difference between seeing the sun in a photograph, and feeling the heat of the sun full out on your body and needing to close your eyes from the brightness that brings tears of pure joy. 

That's what love feels like to me. 

        

Day 37 it is now or never

In 2012 I lost two people whom I loved very much.  The first was a longtime girlfriend whom I considered like family to me. I had procrastinated for years chasing her down to see how she was.  One day her son got in touch to tell me she had passed away. I never told her how much she had meant to me. I never got in touch, and then she was gone. Yes, she is with me in my heart and she continues to inspire and look after me, but I won't make that mistake twice. If I love you, I'm telling you now.  If I think the world of you, I'm telling you today. I am going to travel far to see you. I'm going to put myself out there to spend time with you. Yes, it may make you uncomfortable, and often because of life you may have to tell me no, but Tomorrow is not guaranteed. 

Just after the heartache of losing her, I lost a great friend and neighbor.  I'd only known him a couple years but what a great soul he was. So privileged to have had the chance to meet him and have his friendship.  The outspoken love and passion he had for his wife, his children, his friends and me, was treasured. He was so generous and caring, giving back to all of us. He was one of the great ones. A good friend. A great guy. He was taken from us by a heart attack just months after his 50th birthday. It kills me to see another friend of mine smoke and drink in a similar way... I don't want to lose them too.  I won't wait to tell them I love them, and I'll be outspoken about nutrition and health. That is all we have... 

It's now or never

Part of this expression is to say yes to opportunities that present themselves because they may never show themselves again. 

I won't behave in a foolhardy way, but I also will not play it safe. To me life is too short to not be bold, to not be honest, to not wear our hearts on our sleeves, to not live on the edge. 

Neither my girlfriend nor my guyfriend are here to experience love and life anymore... Why would I forsake their sacrifice by not living fully for them, because of them, inspired by them... 

I'd tomorrow never comes....  

Did we do everything we hoped to? 

Did we live fully, completely? 

Did we follow our dreams? 

Did we help others when they needed us? 

Did we tell them how much they meant to us? 

Did we speak our minds? 

Did we do our best? 

I won't be able to do it all, and I won't be able to tell you every day, but I'm sure going to try. 

       Xo

Day 36 of 100 days of Me - Recovery

“Most of the things we need to be most fully alive never come in busyness. They grow in rest.” 

― Mark Buchanan

How long does it take to fully recover ?

"When I refer to full recovery, I insinuate that you are recovered from the race completely—so that you can do a race-quality training session or another race with no residual fatigue or affects remaining from your last event.

A quick guide to estimate race recovery time follows:

Cycling Races: one to three days per hour of racing
Triathlon Races: three to five days per hour of racing
Running Races: four to six days per hour of racing" - from active.com

If this is true, for my 6 hour race, consisting of a 37 minute swim, 3.5 hour bike ride and a 2 hour run, I should take at least 18 days to fully recover.... funny, cause I feel pretty good today - only two days later. True, I could not do the race over again, I guess that would take the two and a half weeks.

Today I ran a quick easy run, not very far, and certainly not very fast.  It felt nice to move, to run through the streets with the wind through my hair.  I do like running for the sake of it, enjoying the sun and wind, and filling my soul with good vibes.

I get to take it easy the next couple months as my Ironman training won't start officially until the new year.  In the meantime, I get to workout for fun doing some cross training and other sports that I love.  I'd like to get out to the Gatineau hills and do some trails on a mountain bike, I'd like to skate, ski, hike and simply have some fun... looking forward to it.  I'll do some weight training as well, and get some swimming in during the week also.

Recovery:  A return to a normal state of health, mind, or strength.

We all need to take time to recover from our physical fitness, from our mental stressors, from the work we do day in and day out to survive.  How we recover will be different for each of us.  Some of us will need to be surrounded socially by our friends and people we love, others will need to have solitude, space and time.

Best ways to recover:  Really allow yourself to rest. Turn off all the things that have caused the pain in the first place and allow yourself to heal up.  Eat and drink as healthy as you can, you need the water and nutrition to get your body and mind back to full strength.  Make sure you are making healthy choices of who you are talking to, hanging with, and allowing in your space - the wrong person can put you on the wrong path! Recovery is tough without good influences.

I personally like that one ;)

“Every person needs to take one day away.  A day in which one consciously separates the past from the future.  Jobs, family, employers, and friends can exist one day without any one of us, and if our egos permit us to confess, they could exist eternally in our absence.  Each person deserves a day away in which no problems are confronted, no solutions searched for.  Each of us needs to withdraw from the cares which will not withdraw from us.” 

― Maya Angelou, Wouldn't Take Nothing for My Journey Now

“Rest is not idleness, and to lie sometimes on the grass under trees on a summer's day, listening to the murmur of the water, or watching the clouds float across the sky, is by no means a waste of time.” 

― John Lubbock, The Use Of Life

Quotes and references to aid you in your own recovery:

Race recovery: http://www.jeffgalloway.com/learn/race-recovery/

Mental recovery: http://ontario.cmha.ca/mental-health/mental-health-conditions/recovery/

Relationship Recovery Myths: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/inside-out/201310/5-myths-recovery-after-your-break

Day 35 - the crash

A couple years ago, I crashed my bike on Carling Ave. I hit a pot hole while holding a bottle of water in my right hand, and squeezing the left (front) break, I threw myself over the handle bars into traffic.

The most important thing you can do after a crash, is to check your wounds, and once you know you are ok, it is time to get back up and keep moving forward.

Additionally, it is important to learn from the crash what may have caused it, to prevent a similar occurrence.

I've since bought an under the seat hydration system and I do not use bottles.  I additionally,  stay away from Carling.

If I've learned nothing else about a crash in life, I've learned to hold your chin up, stay strong, learn your lessons, and carry on.

Crashing in love is very similar in my mind. We fall sometimes, in places where we shouldn't have been, without appropriate tools, and we just need to be smart enough, and brave enough, with elegance, and grace, to move on.


Dear John,

This is a sad letter for me to write. I will begin though, on a sweeter note. I want you to know how much I adore you. I think the world of you. I love how you treat the people in your life. You are generous, kind, caring, fun, loving, concerned, and ever there for those you love. I take great pride in being one of your chosen friends, and confidant.  I love the way you look, I find you not only gorgeous but incredibly sexy. I could never tire of looking at you, and finding you beautiful. I am so grateful for your friendship and hope we will forever remain friends. I have especially loved how you have treated me, the way you make me feel, the way you speak to me. I am royalty in your eyes, and I have loved every moment of it.  It is with great regret, and deep sadness that I have to stop thinking about you, as you will never be mine. As much as I don't want to be without you, I am not truly with you, and I know I never will be the one for you. It takes a great amount of courage for a girl, for me, to be wise enough to know these things, to be loving enough to let you be free, to be strong enough to be honest.  I want one man in my life that I can count on daily, that I can wrap my legs around at night and know they are there for me. You have been there for me, when I write you, but you know I need more, I have to be honest to admit that I want more.  I unfortunately will not find him when I am daydreaming about you.

You may not even be aware that I have considered you more than a friend and found myself falling far deeper than I wanted. That is okay, you are a man, and men do not always recognise these things.

So, my dear John, this is goodbye.  If nothing else, I have learned through you,  precisely what I want in my life. The kind of man that will be best for me (of course after my 100 days of me) and one I will feel incredibly lucky to have in my life.

I have been very lucky just to have you as a friend.

Goodbye to those fruitless daydreams, I will miss them.

Love
A girl who crashed

"... nevermind I'll find someone like you, I wish nothing but the best for you two, don't forget me.... " Adele.

Day 34 of 100 days of Me - Believe

“He who believe not in your quest, should not sail with you, so that he won't sink your ship.”
― Bamigboye Olurotimi


When I first attended McGill university, just a few years (I mean decades) ago, I found that I didn't have enough money to buy my school books - money was supposed to be coming in, but it hadn't arrived yet, and the school year had begun.  I came home to the military barracks I was living in just outside of Montreal, one evening, to find an envelop with the words "Yes Virginia, there is a Santa Claus" on the outside, tucked under my door.  Inside was 100 dollars - which was a lot of money a few decades ago! There was no note, no author, no one to thank.  If I had ever wondered if Santa existed, this person was clearly telling me he did ;)

According to Wikipedia - which is never incorrect - in 1897, Dr. Philip O'Hanlon, a coroner's assistant on Manhattan's Upper West Side, was asked by his then eight-year-old daughter, Virginia O'Hanlon (1889–1971), whether Santa Claus really existed.  Her father told her to write to The Sun, the prominent New York City newspaper at the time, assuring her that "If you see it in The Sun, it's so."

The answer that was published in that paper has meant quite a bit to me over the years and not simply because one of the Canadian soldiers left me money for my books (and didn't want any thanks for it whatsoever) but because it represents all that is good in our world.  That we can give to each other, without asking for thanks or anything else in return.  That we can have faith that there is a greater good out there, that we can rely on.  A greater good that exists in our hearts and in our instincts, we see this not just in humans but in all animals as well.  My favourite line is "The most real things in the world are those that neither children nor men can see."  I too, believe this to be true ;)

I have been asked just tonight by my daughter if the tooth fairy really exists, and I answered the same response that I've given all of my children anytime they asked me if something existed - do you believe the tooth fairy exists? Then of course she does.  Do you receive money under your pillow? Then of course she does.  Do you receive presents at Christmas? Then of course Santa exists. When you stop believing, he will stop coming.  I will never stop believing, because I have the gift of dreams that come true....

I believe in my dreams even when I don't see proof of them ...
I believe I'll find love, even if I can't see it in front of me...
I believe that there is good throughout the world, even in the worst of times...
I believe we can achieve anything we set our minds to, that life is 80% psychological and willpower and discipline is all we need to get there....
Because I believe, it is true.

As long as we believe, it will live forever and ever....

The response that was published ("Is There a Santa Claus?" reprinted from the September 21, 1897, number of The New York Sun) is this:

"Virginia, your little friends are wrong. They have been affected by the skepticism of a skeptical age. They do not believe except that which they see. They think that nothing can be which is not comprehensible by their little minds. All minds, Virginia, whether they be men's or children's, are little. In this great universe of ours, man is a mere insect, an ant, in his intellect as compared with the boundless world about him, as measured by the intelligence capable of grasping the whole of truth and knowledge.

Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus. He exists as certainly as love and generosity and devotion exist, and you know that they abound and give to your life its highest beauty and joy. Alas! how dreary would be the world if there were no Santa Claus! It would be as dreary as if there were no Virginias. There would be no childlike faith then, no poetry, no romance to make tolerable this existence.

We should have no enjoyment, except in sense and sight. The external light with which childhood fills the world would be extinguished.

Not believe in Santa Claus! You might as well not believe in fairies. You might get your papa to hire men to watch in all the chimneys on Christmas Eve to catch Santa Claus, but even if you did not see Santa Claus coming down, what would that prove? Nobody sees Santa Claus, but that is no sign that there is no Santa Claus. The most real things in the world are those that neither children nor men can see. Did you ever see fairies dancing on the lawn? Of course not, but that's no proof that they are not there. Nobody can conceive or imagine all the wonders there are unseen and unseeable in the world.

You tear apart the baby's rattle and see what makes the noise inside, but there is a veil covering the unseen world which not the strongest man, nor even the united strength of all the strongest men that ever lived could tear apart. Only faith, poetry, love, romance, can push aside that curtain and view and picture the supernal beauty and glory beyond. Is it all real? Ah, Virginia, in all this world there is nothing else real and abiding.

No Santa Claus! Thank God! He lives and lives forever. A thousand years from now, Virginia, nay 10 times 10,000 years from now, he will continue to make glad the heart of childhood."

Day 33 of 100 - the goal

The morning after you've accomplished a goal can be a bit depressing for some people.  This is not normally the case for me as I always have a new plan.

The race yesterday was phenomenal for me. It proved to me that my training plan and nutrition plan worked. You can't cheat on a 6 hour race and come out on top.

My life didn't sacrifice all that much either. My children didn't suffer, I didn't have sick days at work, nor fall behind, although household chores likely did suffer...  I still went out, stayed up late plenty, and have had great times.

I tell thus to all those worried about the sacrifice it takes to do a race of this nature. It does take sacrifice..  But not so much that you feel you miss out. I'm loving my life. It is very well balanced.

The race itself began with the 2km swim. Water was 65 degrees but I was very warm and comfortable in my wet suit. I beat my best race times in this swim, coming under 2 min per 100 m. Thanks to my coach at the Kanata Surfers masters club, my swim was strong.

The 94km bike was beautiful and a fun ride.  A group of us stayed together for the most part throughout the ride.  Very fun fast downhills and at least 4 incredibly challenging uphills. Some athletes were walking them.  I averaged 27km/h on this very challenging course. Incredible really.

The run was what blew my mind. I was strong from the start. I got my legs back (they are wobbly getting off the bike) within the first km and felt strong and light. Kept my cadence high, singing songs that made me happy and had that 90 to 110 bpm. Trying to keep a friend's advice, I didn't try to go fast, I tried only to stay steady and rhythmic. It was a hilly, tough course and I ran it as though I hadn't done a 94km bike before it. It was a strong pace overall and it put me well into the top 10 in my division.  78th of all women in the race.  Very proud.

There was many times I painfully thought about how in the full Ironman next year I have to double this race... But due to the success of it, there was no doubt I can.

Next goal: full Ironman Aug 30 Muskoka.

I need to do even better, to qualify for world championship in Kona, Hawaii.

My favourite quote:

It will hurt
It will take time
It will require dedication
It will require willpower
You will need to make healthy decisions
It requires sacrifice
You will need to push your body to its max
There will be temptation
But I promise you, when you reach your goals
It's worth it.

P. S.  I have to smile as this quote completely applies to finding the right man for me, too!

Single minded 2/3rd of the way to go to 100 days!

Day 32 look at those wheels!

Bout to head to dinner, then bed so you'll get a short blog tonight.  Race in the morning. Mostly ready, starting to get into the serious, sober phase.

First a fun story from this afternoon :

Me: (sees cyclist go by on a very expensive bike) wow! Did you see those wheels?

Friend: went by too fast

Me: she really had nice wheels.

Friend: pretty sure that was a guy.

Me: (cyclist is now coming back towards us, and I confirm it is a guy) Haha! I didn't even look at him! Too busy staring at the wheels.

Life at a triathlon, we get pretty excited about wheels.

I have everything ready for morning. Just need to go through the checklist one more time.

There are so many reasons I'm doing this.

1. I am so proud to be here. It gives me a huge sense of purpose and pride.

2. I hope you'll be proud. I feel worthy of so much when I've worked hard to complete a goal.

3. I want my time here to be healthy and fit,  able to be there for others.

4. I want my children to know they can do anything they set their minds to.

5. I love the spirit of competition and the beauty in man against nature.

6. I love technology.... . Wow! Look at those wheels!!

Day 31 - easy

Day 31 of 100.

Overcast day in Huntsville, but it is warm and the air has an excitement about it that makes the heart beat faster... Oh, maybe that is just me.

I've been shaking for days. My hands have slight tremors and I have not had caffeine since yesterday.  It is the adrenaline. I am completely conscious of what I need to do tomorrow and it is quite all consuming.

Boys and Girls, if you need something to take your mind off your problems, get into endurance sports! They take much time to train for, and give you a personal rush that can only be experienced, not explained. Then the race, the adventure, the event takes over all thought.

Men? What men? I'm going through checklists in my head.  Shoes, socks, gels, water, electrolytes, hat, garmin watch, race belt - crap, I forgot my race belt, have to remember to buy one in the athlete village....

Need sunscreen as well.

Adding to my madness is the fact that my quads are still not healed from my sprints on Thursday, so I'm off to shoppers drug Mart for extra strength myoflex analgesic to rub them down. Need to be healed by morning.

Being single is super easy this weekend :)

Talk to you again!

Day 30 of 100 - the race begins

Today is nearly 1/3 of the way through the 100 days.  I am going to be slightly distracted from the blog - of course not from my goals :) - for a few days as I head to Muskoka to do the 1/2 Ironman this weekend.  It is completely surreal that I'm even here.  I signed up for this race last November after talking to a friend about how exciting it would be to do the 1/2 Ironman triathlon.  Since I had completed the Olympic Triathlon (1/2 the distance on each of run and bike, but swim is 1500m)  I knew with some training I'd be able to finish.  I know I've done more than accomplished finishing.  I'll finish well.  I could place in my age group if the day goes well.  I expect to be in the top 20 in my age group, and I'd really like to be in top 10... so exciting!!

The race will begin Sunday morning with a 2km swim (I am hoping to finish under 40 minutes), then I jump on the bike and go 95km (should be well under 4 hours), then I throw off bike shoes and put on running shoes and run a half marathon (sub 2 hours)...

I wasn't sure if I'd find enough time during the week with work, children and other priorities to get to the pool, get on the bike and get the running in.  It really wasn't as difficult as I thought once I got the momentum and consistency going (VERY DIFFICULT AT FIRST).  It took the full year to get myself on track to fit all the different workouts in.  I did have to do almost all of them alone.  This is mostly because with an ever changing schedule it is hard to get people last minute to do a 1 hour workout with you.  Going alone may have been intimidating at first but I do love it now.

I did find a number of people through this journey who have supported me and joined in with me in my training goals.  I never feel alone, as I can always write them before or afterwards and talk about how the training is going.  I really appreciate them in my life.

Here we go folks.
The hard work now completed.  The race begins ;)

Day 29 - ANGER !

I've got every reason to be angry. I have suffered many painful experiences in my lifetime. I began this day's blog listing all of the tragedies out - just so you'd understand  ;), but decided to remove them as some would find it offensive to even see the words written, and it generally takes away from my point... that I have been through experiences I would not wish upon anyone, and should hold incredible resentment and anger towards those who have harmed me.

But I don't.  I am not angry. (I smile as I write those words.  As it is completely true.)

I am not angry a bit, in fact.
I am very happy, and have no time or energy to offer to those who have caused that pain.

I do not completely agree with the forgive and forget messages we see so often. Under certain circumstances, of course forgiveness is the answer but not in every case is it possible, nor, do I believe, it is necessary.  I know that the 12 step program for AA will tell people to write a letter forgiving the people that have done them harm to help them move on.  I am glad that it serves many people, however, this is not what has worked for me.

I have not forgiven them.
I will never forget.
I do not wish to see these people ever again, but if I did I would be polite and then walk away.
I will never be their friend.
I have moved on and give no energy to the pains of the past.

So what can I tell you, those of you who are still suffering? Still so angry and upset at your situation and the person or people who have harmed you.?

I say you have to let it go. You have to understand that humans will do stupid, hurtful, and unforgiving actions.  People are flawed. They will do terrible things to others. Even good people will make mistakes - men in general (I do love them) are stupid! They will make bad decisions.  You did not deserve it. You are hurting yourself by holding on to it.  It is truly like a poison in your veins, plaguing everything you see, constricting every breath you take, and slowly killing your very soul.

I did not ask for the pain I went through, it wasn't my fault, I did not bring it upon myself, I did not deserve it, I have already suffered the situation, so why would I suffer the anger and resentment now?  Somewhere along the line I realized that holding onto hostility and anger was destroying me inside.

I realized soon enough that I wanted to simply be happy.  I deserved happiness.  I deserved good people.  I deserve to be loved, cherished, looked after, taken care of, and admired. So at that point everything fell away, the anger fell away, the resentment fell away.  I moved on.  I only focus on what will bring me happiness and positivity.  I spend my energy on those that do this for me, and I move on from, and let go of,  those who do not.

You too deserve to be happy. The way you find it, is to let go. Forget about those who've wronged you. They are nothing to you now.  They hold no power over you. They have lost you as a love, as a friend, as an acquaintance, as someone who would have given them any time.

In that statement, I'm assuming you are out of the situation, not still with that person.

If you are still in a relationship with someone whom you've been hurt by, and carry anger in your heart,  I believe you only have two choices. They are both painful.

1. You stay - but you do have to forgive. Truly forgive. Staying and not forgiving is madness in my mind... every bad day will bring up the anger again, and makes a simple bad situation, intolerable... So you say to yourself "I will accept the situation, I do not intend to change it, and I forgive them for being this way." This is important because you have decided that having them in your life far outweighs the pain they caused.

2. You leave. You will never accept what was done, you will not forgive, so instead you move forward, you move on to a better, more positive environment.

With either option the anger is left behind. In my mind it is so black and white. There is no point in remaining angry.

Anger is the emotion needed in a moment of protection, when boundaries have been crossed it brings on adrenaline and other chemical reactions to help in defense of yourself.  Once the defense is not required, the moment is passed, holding onto the feeling of anger is poisonous and detrimental, to only you.

Let it go.
Deep breaths.
Perform meditation and yoga.
Find great positive friends.
Love yourself.
Love life.
Just let it go....

“I want to say somewhere: I've tried to be forgiving. And yet. There were times in my life, whole years, when anger got the better of me. Ugliness turned me inside out. There was a certain satisfaction in bitterness. I courted it. It was standing outside, and I invited it in.”
― Nicole Krauss, The History of Love

“Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.”
― Mark Twain

Anger is the seed for change.

“Anger is just anger. It isn't good. It isn't bad. It just is. What you do with it is what matters. It's like anything else. You can use it to build or to destroy. You just have to make the choice."