“In the
long run, we shape our lives, and we shape ourselves. The process never ends
until we die. And the choices we make
are ultimately our own responsibility.”
~Eleanor Roosevelt
"A wise
woman wishes to be no one's enemy; a wise woman refuses to be anyone's victim.”
― Maya Angelou
It began as
a typical Saturday night, the night she had to run away. Listening to music, chatting with friends, when
her dad came into the house. She was
only 13 years old, in grade 8 at her elementary school and had been babysitting
her younger brother that night while her parents were out. She should not have had anyone in the house
with her. They had been sitting around
the kitchen table, cheerfully chatting about silly things when he walked in the
door. There was no alcohol on the table, there were no drugs, only four kids
sitting there, obviously being overly loud and stupid, and joyful. They should not have been there. It was wrong
to have them in house, that was against the rules, and he was furious. He yelled and swore at everyone to get
out. There was no patience, no
understanding, no consideration that perhaps they didn't know they weren't
supposed to be there. He threatened her in
front of them, and she cried. She was
terribly embarrassed and scared of him, scared of how angry he was, but she
stayed there at the table and said good bye to her friends. She held her head
in her hands when her father left the house knowing that punishment would soon
be back for her. He did come back,
almost immediately, yelling and swearing again, staring at her with a hatred
she had known for far too long. He said
something about calling the police. Not believing him, and wanting to warn her
friends of the pending doom, she grabbed her coat and ran, ran out of that
house and caught up to the group who were heading to a house where a small
party was taking place.
When the
alcohol was brought out, she didn't think much of it as she had tasted alcohol
before at family parties. Places that
had been safe to try this drink, and someone to take her home. Here it was different. This place was not safe, but she did not know
that yet. She went along with the
drinking to not be a prude in this group of friends who all seemed to be fine
taking it too. The night progressed and
she started to feel tired. She was
escorted upstairs by a boy two years senior and already in high school, that she
had thought the world of for quite some time. That may have been the beginning of
the problem. Perhaps the problem was
that she was so sad from the lack of love from her father. Perhaps it was simply chemical and she had no
choice but to have been in this situation.
Either way, the night did not end well.
This blog is not the place for the details that ensued, but I will not
let your imagination take this too far as she was not beaten up or harmed
beyond being coerced into sex that was not welcome. One main thing came from this night, that is
most significant to note. She became
a victim.
This girl
allowed herself to be put into a position where she was taken advantage
of. She was weak where she should have
been strong. She felt she had no choice, where she had had EVERY Choice. She didn't think she could go home, but
eventually she did. It took some years
for her to learn this lesson, to learn what strength was, and to promise
herself that she’d never be a victim again.
A victim in
this case goes beyond being harmed by an incident. It is when you don’t move on from the event,
when you carry the sadness and baggage with you, allow it to affect your
decisions, your fears, your friendships and your relationships.
For two
years this girl remained the victim until a teacher leading a self realization course
in school changed her mindset. She had allowed herself to be harmed and broken
by this incident. She blamed it on her father.
If he had loved her, she wouldn't have been so weak in this
incident. She engraved words in her arms
“Life Sucks”, and she felt powerless to control her destiny.
The truth is, it was
never her father’s fault. She had the
power over her own choices in this event and afterwards she had the means to
turn herself around. She may not have KNOWN it at the time, true, but if you are reading this, you now are in the group who have become aware of our ability to make our own destinies.
Dr. Thomas J Nevitt writes “Our society is full of people who, through their
own limiting beliefs, have settled into becoming victims of their
circumstances. They feel powerless to make changes in their lives because they
think that the elements of their lives are out of their control. All too often
they're quick to ask, "Why do bad things keep happening to me? "You
probably know someone like this. They are the "why me?" people who
always seem to have an excuse for the things in their life that aren't working.
And much of what is in their lives isn't working as well as it could be.”
He
continues, “They have a hard time taking responsibility for themselves, their
actions, mistakes, and even their own decisions. In short, being a victim
requires a giving up of most, if not all, personal responsibility. When we
allow ourselves to be victims, we are letting the people and circumstances in
our lives dictate how we will feel, and ultimately, who we will be. Nobody – no
matter how hard they try – can ever make someone else feel something that they
don't want to feel. Think about that for a moment. You are ultimately capable
to respond to much greater degrees than you do. True responsibility can be
redefined to mean your ability to respond, fully capable to respond powerfully
to the occurrences of your life. Because you are the only one able to choose
your feelings and your responses to what is happening right now. We have all
heard people say, "You make me mad." Or, "Don't make me feel
guilty." But the truth is that no one can make us feel something – good or
bad – unless we allow them to.”
In the
course that this girl took in high school, her teacher gave her a home work
assignment. Go home and find a photograph of a thing, an object that represents
who you are. This was very tough. What out there could possibly represent who
she was? Going through some magazines
she found a photograph of a sunset.
That
was it. The sun sets every evening, the
world becomes dark, dark as her sadness, cold as her heart felt, but every
morning without fail, that sun was going to rise again, and with that rising
sun, brightness, and life would fill the world.
She was going to be whole again.
She was going to rise up, and darkness would pass. The strength that came from that single momentous
moment cannot be described in words. If
you knew her, you’d understand the transformation that ensued. As she is now a woman, full of love to share, not afraid to be vulnerable, not afraid to be honest, but whom will not be broken
by anyone, or anything.
We always have the choice on how to handle a situation. Will we stay strong, calm, and not allow ourselves to become victim to the incident? Keep your chin up, walk away where you can - and keep your good friends close, as they will continue to remind you, who you really are, and give you the strength you need to suffer through this time.
“The choice
is always this simple. The choice is always now.Until you willingly accept that
you are the only constant in your life, the only one who's been with you during
every experience, every situation, every scenario, you probably will not choose
to accept or receive the abundance that is yours to accept. In other words, you
cannot be a victim and a victor; the two are mutually exclusive in this
moment's choice” – Dr. Tom Nevitt
“It would
be easy to become a victim of our circumstances and continue feeling sad,
scared or angry; or instead, we could choose to deal with injustice humanely
and break the chains of negative thoughts and energies, and not let ourselves
sink into it.” ― Erin Gruwell
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