100 days of ME begins today

Been so long since I've written a blog - but this one needed writing.  It's a long one, so bear with me.

I will call it the beginning of "100 days of ME".

100 days of ME will have me write my progress each night before bed as I am doing tonight.  Why I am here and doing this will take a bit to explain.

It begins with tonight, and how sad I am, over the most ridiculous situation - a guy I met, did not befriend me on facebook.  That simple.  That silly.  That small of a thing can cause me to throw my entire being, into a state of sadness.  This is why I have to stop.  I have get off this hurtful pathway before I cause too much damage.

I have HUNDREDS of loving friends on facebook.  How insulting to all of them, that this one person was so important to me to cause this reaction.  I also am well aware that facebook is no indicator of anything real, nor acceptance of friendship mean anything either - many people have many reasons that they choose not be be friends on facebook - however, this one baffled me enough to cause me an emotional setback I'd like to correct.

This is not new, and not specific to this one guy.  There have been others, recently, who in whatever way, would not, or could not, pursue a relationship with me and instead of feeling okay with myself (as I appeared on the outside), I was saddened and negative about who I was and why I wasn’t yearned for.  What is it that I don’t have going for me? Why not me? These are questions we asked ourselves in high school… how can I possibly allow these feelings to follow me in this phase in my life?

I know, I do believe that I am a brilliant woman, I am smart, I am gorgeous, I am athletic and incredibly fit.  I am funny and fun to be with. I am inspirational and loving.  How can I not find a man, I ask myself – what is it that I don’t have? Is it my age? Am I truly too old?  It continues like this…. This is the downward spiral, I need to immediately kill and step off the track I’m on.

I am an emotional person, and I care very deeply for the people I meet in my life, most especially with men that I open my heart to.  I am aware that men do not do this, the same way women, specifically me, do.  They can flirt and share moments with women and move on as if nothing were different in their lives... I do not have this ability.  I grow attached… and feel as if my heart were being cut short when the relationship does not continue.

I have been advised by the very best to move on, find someone else –but as I do, I feel whittled down to very little.  I don’t want to meet another as I don’t think I could handle another rejection – and it isn’t really even rejection – it is simply the men I’m finding and becoming close to, do not continue the relationship – they “fall off”, they have a life of their own and aren't willing to bring me into it, they give up, they move on, they were truly never attached in the first place. 

In sales, they say you need to be strong enough to take many rejections to close that one very big, very rewarding sale – I’m sure there are those that would tell me that this is the case in love… but just as I do not make a good salesman, as I cannot take the rejection, I too, cannot suffer through multiple relationships.

100 days of ME must also begin as I try to teach my daughters to be strong, independent women.  I would like them to believe that they do not need to have a man to define themselves – nor to be complete.  Yet, their own mother behaves as though her life is not complete without a man.  I don’t feel my life is complete right now, and I suffer for this.  Always looking and wanting to meet the man that would fulfill my world, has been detrimental to my simple enjoyment of myself, and my friends.

In Elizabeth Gilbert’s book EAT PRAY LOVE, there was a period of time in which she was required to go days and be completely silent and how challenging this sacrifice was.  In this way I am inspired to take on my own sense of silence, not of my voice, but of my heart.  I need to go 100 days without giving my heart away once – it needs the silence to perhaps find itself whole again, all on it’s own.

My 100 days of ME will have the following rules:

#1 No sex, no kissing, no getting together, no giving away one’s heart.  I am single.  I will remain single in my very core, in my heart, in my mind, and in my actions for 100 days. (this is going to kill me for sure ;))

#2 Hanging out with men is perfectly okay, hugging goodbye even – French pecks on each cheek, no problem – but I know the line I cannot cross even if my heart wants to.  No more than friendship, no discussion of relationships, no flirting, no promises of the future. 

#3 No obsessing over anyone (I write this at the same time I check facebook one last time in case he has logged in to write me… I SO need help).  No checking to see if a letter is written, no looking at cell phone for a text – even if they do text it doesn’t mean they care about you nor want a relationship with you.

#4 DO THINGS ALONE.  No more looking for a man to go on adventures, go on trips, come with me camping, to go with me to sporting events, to go with me to concerts nor to support me in my competitions.  I will attend all functions with girlfriends, or alone.  No more having fear of doing anything without a man with me.

Last note on the 100 days of ME:  Anyone worth waiting for, will be waiting for me.  I do believe that if a man does love a woman, he makes it very clear, he is there for her in every way, and will not be moved.  Perhaps at the end of my 100 days, I’ll be ready to wait for the right one to come along, rather than being so hurt by the ones who just are not into me….