I've spent much of this blog discussing handling being solo, knowing yourself and protecting the core of who you are in and out of relationships. I have not mentioned at all how to make a marriage work.
I happen to be an expert on the topic, despite the fact that my recent marriage has ended. (caveat added after the fact: Yes, you can be an expert in the knowledge of an area in which you are not practicing. Coaches, do not play the sport, yet they can tell you how to win a game... Doctors do not have the disease, but they can tell you what to do about it.... I am no longer married, but I have read and studied and paid attention long enough to know what it takes.)
I was married 10 years this April, and felt we had a very good working relationship. We knew what it took to make it work. Tolerance, commitment to an end goal, and a lot of laughs.
We met five years before we married. I wanted to settle down and have children, he was scared out of his mind (I believe. My perception only, his story could be completely different).
I figured it was just because he was male :) Took five years of debating whether we should even be together, and the coming of my baby girl, to settle us both down. I know he had no regrets, despite his probably never wanting children, he is madly in love with his daughter, and was a good supporter of me with my older children from another relationship.
I have no regrets at all.
We had great times, and struggled through some miserable ones. But that is what marriage is - it is working together through the largest hills, getting up to the top of them, so that the ride down the other side is fun, incredible, and worth the pain.
The funniest of memories for me was the photograph of what I remember to be a German Shepherd, growling ferociously, that my husband kept in his car. We often got to talk about the though things as we were traveling from one event to another. As soon as the conversation got heated, and we were not agreeing perhaps, he'd pull out the dog and growl. Immediately, I'd laugh, and we'd resolve whatever the debate was, with humour. We laughed often. It was a huge part in our making our marriage work for so many years.
You must have lots of laughs.
Tolerance is another big one. Every one of us is flawed. Every one of us have baggage, issues, weakness, bad habits, and yes, even annoyances, that we each bring to the table.
We will not see eye to eye on every issue, but if we go into any situation with tolerance, patience, understanding, we can come out the other side, successful.
Balance is another big one. What each of you may lack in, on one side, must be made up, on the other. So, for a funny example, a man wants a woman who is a great cook and a great lover - then balance would be being an incredible cook, and an ok lover. I believe we don't have to have it all - no one is that perfect - but balance is what allows us to remain tolerant through the toughest times.
Commitment to the greater goals - in any marriage, you'd better have discussed what the goals are if you're intending to commit to them. Every one sees things differently, if you didn't discuss this, that could cause problematic assumptions.
I feel sad for people who have had bad relationships who say they'll never marry again.
I have every belief that I will be in a committed relationship again. I don't need a wedding, but I do look forward to hitting those hills, hard.
Dedicated to all who are not single, and working hard to make it work.
The stability, the love, the sweat, and the tears are more than worth it.
Xo
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