Thursday, October 30, 2014

14 days remain - Day 86 of 100 - Passion

Passion: An intense emotion, compelling enthusiasm, or desire for anything.



On Day 14 of this blog I wrote a fair bit about the book "The Secret" and how it had been a very real experience for me.  I wrote also the four main things I say daily which I believe contribute to the positive environment in which I live.

I repeat to myself: I am happy, healthy, rich and have a life full of passion.  It is true.


I described how I felt I was affected by my wanting and believing I deserved passion in my life. 

In less than a year I have had the pleasure of having the very most passionate people walk into my life, become my dearest friends, and have inspired me to be everything I should have always been:

I play music again - I have a great passion for music and find myself listening, singing and playing guitar more now than I have been, in years.  

They have inspired me to accomplish the fitness goals I have always wanted to achieve (although I am currently on a bit of a recovery/break), I have signed up for the Full Ironman in Muskoka Aug 30th next year and am very excited to get started on my training for this incredible feat. 

Most of all, I have been inspired to be fully myself - I am not afraid to do anything, and to wear my heart on my sleeve in the process of it. I am not afraid of being in love, nor losing it. I am instead completely enthusiastic to experience whatever life will bring to me.

I wish for you to have Passion in your life.  That it will bring you great satisfaction and happiness, forever. 

xo




Other quotes worthy of note:

“Anyone who is observant, who discovers the person they have always dreamed of, knows that sexual energy comes into play before sex even takes place. The greatest pleasure isn't sex, but the passion with which it is practiced. When the passion is intense, then sex joins in to complete the dance, but it is never the principal aim.” 
― Paulo Coelho

“Passion has little to do with euphoria and everything to do with patience. It is not about feeling good. It is about endurance. Like patience, passion comes from the same Latin root: pati. It does not mean to flow with exuberance. It means to suffer.” 
― Mark Z. Danielewski, House of Leaves



 

Wednesday, October 29, 2014

15 Days Remain - Day 85 of 100 - Life Changing

There are some really amazing people in the world.  Sometimes we only know them from a distance, we read about them, we see them in the news, or we're told about them from a friend.  Other times, we get the opportunity to meet them in person, and if extremely fortunate, they become intertwined in our lives and we gain the benefit of their company and their love.

It's been two years almost to the day, since he left.  I had only known him for a short time but what I remember most about him, was how happy he was.  He was always smiling! He had a true love of life and his family.  He was so giving and generous.  He helped me fix a number of things around the house, would offer to help without blinking in fact, and didn't ask for anything in return - wouldn't accept a thing!  He welcomed my family into his, and treated us as his own.  His humour and character has made such an impact on me, that I will forever be changed.  I want to be as good as he was, and I hope to attract those kinds of spirits into my life.

      

I met another friend just last year, that impacted me much the same way.  He befriended me, supported me, encouraged me and was always there to be a positive influence through some of the most difficult times of my life.  I learned about who I really was and what I really wanted from my life, in those seemingly simple conversations.  They were life changing.  I will always value the advise and support he had given, in a way that I'm sure was not even noticed by him as being giving and generous is just the way he is.  There were things I didn't even realize about myself, that he knew.  Questions he asked me caused me to pause and think much more deeply about my situation that I'd ever reflected before. There were two main things that his words did to me, that will stay with me forever.  The first was to cause me to look deeply into those things that we think do not affect us - because perhaps they do.  The second was that just at the moment I was feeling like an alien in a world uncompromising, he promised me there was someone else in this world that thought just like me.  Little did I know at that time, how true his words were.  How can anyone look back at these life lessons and not feel strongly towards them.  You wonder sometimes what you've done in life that earned this kind of love and generosity.  How did I deserve this, and what can I do to ensure these people know how much I have valued them and want to return to them the positive influence, spirit, and love that they gave to me.



I've only chose and described two people here today, but there are many more women and men who have impacted my life.  I'll give more tributes in future blogs to those other's that have meant so much to me.  I'm sure you can think of those people whose spirit or words have made a tremendous difference in your own lives.  Sometimes when these people come into our lives, it leaves us changed forever.

I am very grateful to have had you in my life.  I will never be able to show you, pay you back, or describe with words - just how much I needed you. Thank you.



Some of the best ways to show people you love them is to give them a song.

This one is for you:

"You gave me wings and made me fly
You touched my hand I could touch the sky
I lost my faith, you gave it back to me
You said no star was out of reach
You stood by me and I stood tall
I had your love I had it all
I'm grateful for each day you gave me
Maybe I don't know that much
But I know this much is true
I was blessed because I was loved by you"

Celine Dion - Because you Loved Me.






Tuesday, October 28, 2014

16 days remain - 84 days of 100 - WHEN not IF.



When I graduate I'll find the job of my dreams
If I graduate, I'll find the job of my dreams

When I have saved 2000 dollars, I'm going to book a trip to Greece
If I have saved 2000 dollars, I'm going to book a trip to Greece

When we get together next, I will show you how much you mean to me
If we get together next, I will show you how much you mean to me

Which of these will actually take place? 

The ones where I said "when"? 
Or those where I said "if"? 

I think "When" implies the will and only lacks the timing, whereas "If" implies that regardless of time, it may NOT happen. There is doubt in the "if" statement.

The quote I saw today (posted below) stated to invest in those people who refer to "when" in a relationship.  If they are using "If" statements, then they are not truly sure about you.


To clarify the BBC writes, "If it is uncertain that something has happened or will happen, we have to use if:
  • He'll be here soon, if he caught the 1.30 train.
  • If I manage to get to Argentina next year, I'll come and visit you."
If it is certain that something has happened, is happening or will happen, we have to use when:
  • When I arrived back home, Sandra was no longer there.
  • You can have a drink when we get to Julie's place. Not now, when you're driving.

So, certainty defines those things that are sure to occur.

If we aren't sure, isn't that enough room for allowing our dreams to NOT come true ?

Use WHEN not IF for all circumstances where you want something to come true.  It is the only way to ensure that it will actually happen. ;)














Monday, October 27, 2014

17 days remain - day 83 of 100 - The Mix

Harry Kerr - My dad


I was introduced to a very interesting book many years ago, about how important the first 5 years of a child's life is, and how affected they are during that time by the love of their parents.  I think we are molded into the kind of people we will inevitably become, by the way our parents loved us as babies.  We learn early on to trust other humans, to know what having faith in other's feels like and to be reliant on the love of the parent caring for you.  I was born in Vancouver, BC and was no doubt loved very much by both of my parents. Although they didn't stay together longer than a year after my birth I believe the love I was brought into the world in, created the environment for me to know and trust love today.

My parents lived together in Whiterock and had a large fluffy dog at home.  I was born into a world that was very much at peace, and artists like CCR, the Beatles, the Rolling Stones and Elvis Presley where thriving. The environment consisted of the ocean air of Vancouver, bridged by the immense and gorgeous mountain ranges which I believe has made me a salt water child, who to this day feels very much at home, and at peace when I'm at the ocean side.  I love the waves and the salty air.  It brings about a happiness I simply can't describe.







My father was a strong willed Scot, who always believed his mother was part Iroquois (I love the romance of this story, but through years of genealogy research I've never been able to prove this story correct.  His mom was a Lalonde from Quebec, quite French indeed, with a mom who was a Richardson of Glengarry county... not any sign of any Indian blood whatsoever).  I'll still go around saying I am for the shear fun of it.

Diane Bodley - My mom
On my mother's side there is the English of the Bodley's - the first to start the Oxford Library in England, with the French of the Lachappelle's, the Irish of the Downings, and the German of the Andrews, her Grandfather's line.  My mother was the one who taught me to have pride, integrity, respect for yourself, and generosity.  She is a fierce defender of women's rights and freedom of people to choose their lives, their religion, and their loves.  She ended up marrying another Scotsman who raised me to know what hardwork, discipline, loyalty and dedication really meant.

All that to say, it's little wonder we behave the way we do when we've got that kind of genetic material in our makeup.  Irish, German, Scottish, French, English and adopted Canadian Iroquois.

Little wonder indeed. :)  I love being Canadian.  I'm very proud to be the Mix that I am.  It is using the best qualities of each, that helps us survive our battles, and accomplish our goals.



Great quotes I found online:








Sunday, October 26, 2014

18 days remaining - day 82 of 100 - The winning streak

The Packers are on a four game streak coming into the game tonight against the Saints, if they win, they'll expect the winning streak to continue though the next four home games... that is great positioning for the finals.  When the coach was asked what is contributing to this great success, he joked that it was a secret.  This of course has the media going wild trying to figure out the Packer's secret to success.

I find that quite amusing.  I relate in a way that I'll attempt to explain.
I feel like I'm on my own winning streak.
Just like I've mentioned back in previous blogs, I seem to only need to think an idea to myself, I think about what I love, and what I want, and voila, "magically", seems come true.



To analyze this is almost foolhardy!, ... but for the sake of discussion, we will look at some of the reasons this could be happening.

They say hard work replaces luck.  Some could say one good reason for my success is that perhaps I have worked very hard to achieve what I've earned.  I sure do feel sometimes like I have paid the price in this lifetime, and it has been real hard work to get here.  Commitment to the hard work is truly needed for many achievements in our lives.

Others would point out that it is through a positive attitude and outlook that has attracted the positive people and positive outcomes in our lives. I do try to be very positive and am quite confident that positivity does attract good things to us - I do believe this has quite a bit to do with our success.

In the book "the Secret", it states that all you need to do is clearly repeat what it is you desire and the universe will grants it to you, as if it was already yours...  You know, I've been repeating for months what I want in my life: happiness, healthiness, richness, and a life full of passion - perhaps it is this that has allowed all to be in place, right here, in front of me.

Another, even more interesting assessment is as described by a friend of mine that "I mold myself, to fit my life", which I take to mean that I am successful because I choose to want what I have. There are great quotes out there that would indicate success is truly easy when you are happy with what you have.  For me this is somewhat debatable as I'm still thinking I worked, and wished, and focused on what kind of life I wanted, to get here - that I've never just accepted what I had - which at times has been cruel and unloving.

I'm thinking the truth is a real good mix of all of the above - but mostly,
I think I'm just real damn lucky.

I'm thinking Green Bay is real damn lucky too.

Yes, they have trained, they have worked hard, all the right plays are happening, everyone is doing their part, and the games are coming together.

Haven't you noticed in your life, there have been times you've did the right plays, worked your ass off, gave it everything, and it still didn't work out?

Only now, though dedication to the cause, and real perseverance, I feel really blessed with the life I have. I am completely thrilled to be where I am in this life, along with those friends and family who have so very much supported me. So you tell me, is it fate? choice? desire? attitude? luck?

I don't really need to know how or why.  I'm just real happy I'm right here, exactly where I want to be, with people who truly love me.

Equally, I'm real happy that the Packer's are having a great streak too. ;)

Sometimes we don't need to question why. Just smile and appreciate the luck of the moment.

Stay strong, stay positive, and allow the Good Luck to come to you!! xo


Saturday, October 25, 2014

Day 81, 19 days remaining - Silence

This week has been especially tough.  Maybe it is because of the terrible events that took place.  Maybe it's because the sun no longer comes out as long, our days have shortened, and the permeating darkness and grey skies are creating a mood that none of us can get out from under.  Maybe it's because this week has had events for you that causes you to question who you are, what is important to you, and where your life is heading.  Maybe it's because the fall brings about extra work, we do need to hibernate soon, all of our homes and back yards need to be packed up, protected, put away, winterized, harvested, filed, managed and it is so, so much to do all of it. Maybe.

So I've been affected too, just as you are, and the blog writing has suffered as I am quite speechless. For the things I think about, I'm not ready to even hear myself say them aloud.  I  have little to say about my fitness as I haven't worked out as I normally did.  This is a bit of a downtime for me.  I haven't attend the swimming, cycling, nor running workouts I was so faithful towards this summer.  I did work out twice only this week, a weight lifting session on Monday and a spin class on Tuesday morning.  That is it.  I carried my back pack every day with a change of clothes to work out and never did put them on.  One of those weeks.  

So I'm allowing myself this down time, this silence in my life and in my blog.  A restless girl is one who isn't keeping herself busy.  I will not allow myself this folly.  I have plenty of things to look after to keep me very, very busy.  Less thought and more action to get the things done that need doing.   Responsibility keeps one out of any trouble.  Allow yourself the time to be silent.  It is okay.  It may even be necessary.


So begins the time for the human hibernation, a time for rest, recuperation.
Epsom salt baths.
Great coffee.
Good Beers.
Great wine.
Wonderful dinners.
Food that warms the soul.
Time with friends.
Peaceful sleep.
BREATHE... slowly, deeply

This is not a sadness, nor boredom, nor a time without love - I have wonderful days, and am having plenty of fun.  I completely and fully appreciate this time, and most of all appreciate being ALIVE.  

This silence shall pass, and I'll have more to say, there isn't much doubt :)
...but today, with just over two weeks left in my journey to 100 days,
perhaps you'll forgive me this time of silence, as I remain speechless....




Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Day 78 - 22 days to go - Be Brave


Cpl Nathan Frank Cirillo.

Instagram media by ncitaly - #selfiesunday #cuties #germanshepard #belgiumshepard

“There are so many ways to be brave in this world. Sometimes bravery involves laying down your life for something bigger than yourself, or for someone else. Sometimes it involves giving up everything you have ever known, or everyone you have ever loved, for the sake of something greater.

But sometimes it doesn't.

Sometimes it is nothing more than gritting your teeth through pain, and the work of every day, the slow walk toward a better life.

That is the sort of bravery I must have now.”
― Veronica Roth, Allegiant

Hard to start a blog today and not mention his name.  He gave his life today for our freedom - no, actually, that isn't quite the truth of the situation - but he WOULD have. Instead his life was robbed from him by an extremist who also, is no longer living.  The point is at a loss to me.  Yes, I do understand politics, military affairs, extremist views and war, and yet, I still find the entire situation pointless, and without gain for anyone. It makes me very upset.

I learned to march to the same military drum.  I have worn those combats, and carried those rifles.  I know what it means to stand in defense, to represent your country and to be ready to die honourably.  I would sign up and do it all again.  I tried to explain to my young daughter tonight what happened today and why.  I explained the best I could about ISIS, extremism, and what occurred here in Ottawa today.  I tried to NOT instill fear, nor anxiety but a sense of pride, strength and preparation to stand tall and fight, should the call come to us.  She was very upset, as every one of us should be.

I told her his name.  Cpl. Nathan Frank Cirillo.  I told her it was important to remember his name.  He represents those that are our brave, follow their orders, stand up for duty, and fight every day for our freedom.  We don't always know their names but our lives depend on the efforts of those men and women.  Thank you.  Thank you. Thank you.

I explained to her that I do not believe we should "mind our own business" and ignore other countries impacted and affected by extremism, dictatorships and other harmful political states. I believe as a global unity, we must stand together and protect democracy and freedom, despite it's own flaws and corruptibility.

Every human should have the opportunity to have the freedom you and I take for granted, each and every day.

On a day like today, my personal needs are nothing.  I am nothing.  After today, each and every one of us should be ready to be brave, do the right thing, to stand up for all freedoms and ensure the people running our country are prepared and have the funding support, to prevent religious extremism in any fashion from making it's way into impacting and affecting our lives.

As she comes to deal with our world and the differences between all of us, she tells me "Mom, there are no bad people, and no bad religions, only bad actions".    Although it isn't always true, I think she has an open minded and fair view of things. I'm proud of her.

Be brave Canada.
xo

“Real integrity is doing the right thing, knowing that nobody’s going to know whether you did it or not.”
― Oprah Winfrey

“Bran thought about it. 'Can a man still be brave if he's afraid?'
'That is the only time a man can be brave,' his father told him.”
― George R.R. Martin, A Game of Thrones





Monday, October 20, 2014

Day 76 of 100 days of me - Pain.

Pain. Real hard core aching.  Beginning in my feet.  There are literally bruises on each of the insides of my feet where they hit the pavement, hard.  The race on Saturday was the fastest I have ever run over that distance, in my life.  I gave it everything I could. The entire world stopped and all I could see and feel was my body working against the wind and rain, pavement and gravel to move forward with the rush of the race.  Every step was with all I had in me to place my foot properly and propel myself forward to place the next foot down and push again.  21 Kilometers passed just like that.  Pushing every step of the way.  I recalled a video I watched of Mirinda Carfrae, the woman who just won the Ironman again this year, describe her race.  I remembered the announcer pointing out her perfect form, her squared hips, her foot placement and her incredible stride.  I tried to mimic what I saw, what I heard.  My calves are swollen from the speed in which I carried myself.  When you are going that fast, you are more so on the balls of your feet than the full foot itself, so much more that your calves take that much more of the brunt of the work than they ever had before.  I literally ran my 5km pace for the full half marathon.  It was fast. It was hard.  My quads today are also sore, and bruised, the muscles still completely fatigued from the amount of effort they gave to me to get to that finish line.  I really did amazing.  I beat my fastest time by 14 minutes.  That is nearly 1 minute per kilometer... I am so very proud of this accomplishment, but I'm paying the price.  But I have to tell you the price has been worth it.  I'll do it again.

Isn't that the way in love as well.  We go into it full speed ahead.  We give it everything we have. Much like during the race, the world around you becomes a blur and you are so immersed in the moment of that love, you see and feel nothing else.  You don't need or want to feel anything else, the moment is too real, and far too good.  In fact every step, every expression is given with the deepest of thoughts and efforts. We're investing every bit of ourselves.  We wear our hearts on our sleeves, we dream of all the wonderful possibilities that could occur when we visualize the potential of that ever pervasive finish line... and then, at the end of the runway, when the course is done, over by choice, or by nature, you are fatigued.  With every tear that falls, for every word you miss, and every dream now vanquished, you are exhausted beyond what you ever believed you could be.  Your heart aches much the same way your legs did when that lactic acid rushed in when the race stopped. The minute you stop, that flood of acid pours in to make your heart feel like a rock has replaced the warm soft tissue that used to be a part of your core.  The pain is very real.  Yet, here too... the price is worth it. I'd pay it again nine-fold.

Today I want to begin counting backwards.  Not day 76, but day 24 to go.  It isn't because I want to rush this journey.  I do not.  I am enjoying how much I am experiencing and learning through this time, and through this blog.  It is because once I cross the halfway mark I begin to see the journey as smaller segments left to go.  Now for me it is 24 days.  I don't look back anymore, I don't worry about what has passed I only focus on what is ahead.  At that time, I will stop writing about surviving being single, as I think I have more than accomplished that goal - there are 24 days more for me to explain to you, exactly what I mean by that - as I will likely remain single much longer than 100 days and I do feel I've a solid foundation to journey along.  I no longer blame myself.  I accept that some things cannot pass, and of those things that do, I will appreciate those moments with all my heart.  After the 100 days are completed, I'll begin to write to you about my journey to Ironman. :)

There is nothing in this world that assists in the elimination of pain like having an incredible goal to focus on.  Suddenly the legs are not as overbearing, and my heart has something to long for that isn't quite so impossible.  Though, it is through working towards the apparently impossible races, and seemingly impossible loves, that has made this girl's life worthwhile. Let's continue to love life and strive for the impossible... xo




Sunday, October 19, 2014

Day 75 of 100 days of Me - I'm Staying.

Are you smart enough to recognize the right person in front of you?
Will you be smart enough to recognize when they are NOT the right one ?
Most important - Do you know how to walk away?



I've written so much about visualization of the person you want in your life, and I've also written about how to know you are lucky to have them, how to listen to your inner voice.

What I have not written much about is how to break it off, when it isn't right.

I've told you in other blogs that you always know, right in the beginning that something is amiss. Will you ignore it, or follow through and let that relationship go, for the sake of long term sanity?

Letting the relationship go, is really the toughest thing to do.  I've not written much on this as I am not terribly good at it, and don't have the best answers.

Instead, I've been very good at making up excuses for people, and being understanding and tolerant when I should have stated what I expected and if they could live with that, great - and if not, to move on.

In one story of mine, I had a boyfriend literally freak out over a situation I had no control over.  I should have known at that very obvious moment this person would go on to freak out at many uncontrollable situations in future, and would be the cause of much pain.

In another situation, the love interest simply didn't show up or text to say that he wouldn't be coming over, after discussion that we would meet. Seems silly almost to make a big deal over such a small situation, but it is huge.  The person who doesn't think of you, when they were supposed to, is going to be the same one, who years down the road will be angry if you try to get them to communicate with you and will ultimately not be there for you.


So when these tiny, nearly insignificant situations arise... what do we do? How do we back out of a relationship we are quite mesmerized by?  How do we let go of the REST of that person, that we've come to admire, and love?

This is where I fall short of good advice.
I know we should walk.
I haven't learned how.
I haven't mastered this one.

One article made "Leaving a bad relationship" all about self esteem.  I don't believe this is the problem, as in my case I am very happy and confident with who I am.  It is not that somewhere deep inside I feel I am not worthy of a better relationship, it is that there is so much about this person I want to hold onto, that I suffer the obvious signs that it is ultimately going to hurt me.

Another article blames this behaviour on codependency, however, I have much trouble in my case identifying with most of the descriptions I've read.  It normally relates to the person trying to save an alcoholic, or drug addict, which is also, not the norm in my case... however this list of characteristics that codependents may show does cause one to think about how they see themselves in a relationship:

"An exaggerated sense of responsibility for the actions of others
A tendency to confuse love and pity, with the tendency to “love” people they can pity and rescue
A tendency to do more than their share, all of the time
A tendency to become hurt when people don’t recognize their efforts
An unhealthy dependence on relationships. The co-dependent will do anything to hold on to a relationship; to avoid the feeling of abandonment
An extreme need for approval and recognition
A sense of guilt when asserting themselves
A compelling need to control others
Lack of trust in self and/or others
Fear of being abandoned or alone
Difficulty identifying feelings
Rigidity/difficulty adjusting to change
Problems with intimacy/boundaries
Chronic anger
Lying/dishonesty
Poor communications
Difficulty making decisions"

So many times we find if we really try we can make lists of characteristics or symptoms fit our situations.  It is quite interesting as I could question myself in that perhaps I do fall in love with people that NEED me.  If they need me, and I'm in the relationship to be needed, to want to rescue them, to want to help them, to do more than my share all the time, to be hurt when my efforts are not recognized, to feel bad speaking up for what I need, to fear being alone, to fear leaving them - then even though I do not identify with all the other characteristics, aren't those few enough to say I'm behaving like a codependent ? Perhaps.

Perhaps I can't leave because I want to help them. Yet, is it not right to think they are worthy of helping? Seems too complicated to just write off.

Moreso, I don't want to leave as I truly believe the situation wasn't enough to warrant walking.
I believe they are worth waiting for...

I believe all that I love and admire about the person, and the good times spent in their company, far outweighs those tiny slights... but will they manifest over time into something intolerable? Perhaps.... then I'll look back, and say I knew. Hindsight is always 20/20.

Somewhere inside I am the true romantic, who believes that love means accepting the mistakes, the weaknesses, the poor choices, and yes, even the not being there all the time.  That being happy for them is what is important, not expecting them to make you happy...



I can acknowledge that this is problematic, and contradictory.
Life is not easy, and love is hard work.

True solution? Stay single longer :)
...if that were easier... yet, it certainly is not.

Best of Luck in your love.
xo


“I used to think that finding the right one was about the man having a list of certain qualities. If he has them, we'd be compatible and happy. Sort of a checkmark system that was a complete failure. But I found out that a healthy relationship isn't so much about sense of humor or intelligence or attractive. It's about avoiding partners with harmful traits and personality types. And then it's about being with a good person. A good person on his own, and a good person with you. Where the space between you feels uncomplicated and happy. A good relationship is where things just work. They work because, whatever the list of qualities, whatever the reason, you happen to be really, really good together.”
― Deb Caletti, The Secret Life of Prince Charming

“Real love has little to do with falling. It's a climb up the rocky face of a mountain, hard work, and most people are too selfish or too scared to bother.
Very few reach the critical point in their relationship that summons the attention of the light and the dark, that place where they will make a commitment to love no matter what obstacles-or temptations- appear in their path.”
― Stacey Jay, Juliet Immortal

“That's the big picture, your happiness. And health. You should never care what a man thinks of you -- until he demonstrates to you that he cares about making you happy. If he isn't trying to make you happy, then send him back from "whence" he came because winning him over will have no benefit. At the end of the day, happines, joy...and yes...your emotional stability...those comprise the only measuring stick you really need to have.”
― Sherry Argov, Why Men Love Bitches: From Doormat to Dreamgirl - A Woman's Guide to Holding Her Own in a Relationship

“‎By reacting from fear instead of responding from love, you inject poison directly into the veins of your relationship.”
― Steve Maraboli, Unapologetically You: Reflections on Life and the Human Experience





Friday, October 17, 2014

Day 73 - Get ready

I should be in bed sleeping... I will shortly. One quick moment to enter a blog for tonight.  It is Friday night and my big plan is to get a great nights sleep, as I am up at 5am to eat my big breakfast.  I usually make eggs and gluten free toast, with veggies on the side.  By 6am I will have finished, a good three hours before the race.  I'll have another smoothy and lots of water before 8am when I'll start to taper off the drink so that I can have a final pee just before 9am and be ready to race at 9:15am.

The race tomorrow is important for me.  It is 9 Run Run, The Emergency Services race taking place in Stittsville to raise money and awareness for D.I.F.D - mental health for youth.  This is a charity very near and dear to my heart as I know too many who have suffered, and know we need something in place to support kids in need.  I too was one of those 13 year old kids, who started to believe that there was only one way out of my hell.  Some people suffer due to their consequences, others simply suffer due to chemical imbalances that warp perception, and sometimes, it's a wicked combination of both.  There are many to thank for getting me through, but I didn't have a support network easy to access, nor do many kids today.  I am so incredibly grateful to still be here, knowing what I know, and able to share it with my own children, and anyone else interested enough to listen.  So let's support this great cause and find a way to get these kids the help they need and the tools they need to get back to seeing the positive in life.

http://www.9runrun.ca/index.php

The other very important reason to run this race tomorrow is to attempt to qualify for the New York Marathon.  I need to come in under 1 hour and 42 minutes.  This is fast.  This is fast for ME!  But, I'm going to attempt it.  The goal is to stay under 4 min 50 seconds per km and at the last two km sprint like a mad woman to the end....   21 kilometers of hell.. but as you may have noted from above, I'm no stranger to hell, and I know I have already survived it ;)

So bring on the fire, bring on the pain, and bring on the suffering.  Tomorrow morning by 11am I'll be able to post my results, good or bad - it's all for a great cause and it makes you a better person for trying.

Keep up the good fight.
It's worth it.
xo





Wednesday, October 15, 2014

Day 71 of 100 - The untamed

"To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else, means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting." ~E.E. Cummings, 1955

71st day of committing to remain single, for me.  Why? Because 71 nights ago, I found myself in an evening as ordinary as any other, where I sat there on my bed and I was questioning who I am, and whether I was worthy of love...  and decided, I was not going to do that anymore.

No More.
Enough.
Those thoughts are no longer allowed to be a part of my psyche.

Instead I choose to think about what is important to me, what I can tolerate and live with, but as the quote below shows, more than anything, I choose to attract in my life those people that I cannot live without.


We are the untamed, the worthy of love - most of all, we must feel worthy enough to love ourselves in all of our weakness and strength. It is too easy to place blame on ourselves, but I think it's important instead, to say it's okay to be weak, it's okay to be tolerant, it's okay to stay in a safe relationship, it's okay to remain where you are, it's okay to be exactly who we need to be in order to be alive and well.  If you can look in the mirror and say, I love who I am, and my choices are in support of that person - then I believe you are okay.

There is an entry in a journal of mine from March of 2000 where I write the following poem:

Bright Sun
California Sky
Blue waters
Captured by
Leaves of Green
Grasslands vast
Salted Splash
Pink and Grey Sands
Mountains High
Breath of life
Passes by

Rejuvenation
Wind in your hair
The Beauty is endless
How fresh is the air
Long to return
one day soon
By Plane, by car
Thunderous Boom
The roar and drive
Within to change
Life as it is
Must rearrange

Stood up again
What can I say
Another excuse
Another day
How long would I wait
How patient be
Not enough
Apparently
For now, I'm done
Despite your tries

For now is enough
Not going to lie
I do not want
This kind of trip
There are other things
I long to do
Other men
Who would be true
"He's a good guy"
I'll always say
Just not for me
Not today

I share this poem to show that fourteen years ago, I knew what I needed for myself.  Despite that knowledge I made the conscious decision to put aside those needs and dedicated myself to making that relationship work. I was fully engaged in it.  I have no regrets, and I'm not sharing this to cause any hurt.  I am sharing to try to show you that we actually do know ourselves very well, and we know what we need, what is important to us, what we can tolerate and when it becomes intolerable.  We make choices in our lives based on those very key instincts and I think it is safe to say, that that itself, is OKAY.

We always know.
As I knew.
I know now too.
I know now that I need, and want, what is healthy for me, and what isn't.

Know that being single,engaged, married, or committed right now is neither a problem, nor a solution, it is simply a state of being.

We need to focus on loving ourselves enough, to allow ourselves to make good choices in support of this love and the ultimate needs that we have. Only then will we be able to make the right decisions.

The goal is the focus.  Making YOU the priority - not in a selfish, neglectful to others way, not in a gold digging, abusive, or using way... but most simply, being true to what is right and good for us.

I won't say BE YOURSELF - but I will say:  allow yourself to BE.


Favourite Quotes:

He who trims himself to suit everyone will soon whittle himself away. ~Raymond Hull

We all wear masks, and the time comes when we cannot remove them without removing some of our own skin. ~André Berthiaume, Contretemps

We are what we pretend to be, so we must be careful about what we pretend to be. ~Kurt Vonnegut

“God, no. I don’t want to tame her, I want to watch her. I just want to watch her be herself – it turns me on like nothing else.” 
― Dianna Hardy, The Spell of Summer



Monday, October 13, 2014

Day 69 of 100 - How to stay "29"



It is kind of exciting that the 69th day of the 100 day blog, comes on the eve of my birthday.  My birth of course being in the year of 1969.  Yes, I admit it.  I am no longer 29, even though most days I still feel 29 - and intend to continue feeling that way, as long as health permits me.  I still believe it is all attitude, mind over matter, and the power of discipline.





How to stay "29";)

1. Eat right.  Healthy eating means your body can easily cope and adapt to the wear and tear of the years.  You get the right amount of energy and nutrition in, there isn't anything you can't accomplish.

http://www.cancer.org/treatment/treatmentsandsideeffects/complementaryandalternativemedicine/dietandnutrition/macrobiotic-diet

2. Workout.  Being young at heart, truly means having a fit heart. Cardiovascular activity is critical to maintain heart health.  Find a sport you love and do it often.  Workout in between - careful boys, hockey is an anaerobic sport, so unless you are training for it by doing cardio 5 times a week and playing 3 times a week, it isn't quite the same for cardiovascular health.

http://www.heart.org/HEARTORG/GettingHealthy/PhysicalActivity/FitnessBasics/American-Heart-Association-Recommendations-for-Physical-Activity-in-Adults_UCM_307976_Article.jsp

3. Laugh often.  The best way to feel wonderful and youthful is to not take everything so damn serious.  Smile alot, laugh often, and live fully.

http://www.helpguide.org/articles/emotional-health/laughter-is-the-best-medicine.htm

4. Sleep well.  Sleep is so important to replenish muscle, and cellular tissue broken down during the day. Much needed energy is restored.  Good sleep is a must to remain youthful.

http://sleepfoundation.org/sleep-tools-tips/healthy-sleep-tips

5. Have Sex.  Besides the obvious, sexual relationships keep you feeling youthful by a number of psychological, physiological, and chemical triggers including the human body remaining productive, producing human growth hormone and other important hormones that would otherwise decline if not required by the body.

http://www.womenshealthmag.com/health/health-benefits-of-sex

6. Get out there.  Time with great groups of friends makes you feel not only youthful, but that life is worth living. Keeping active with a group of like minded people, is the most rejuvenating thing you can do for yourself.  So find something you love to do, join a group, and participate.  Live!!

http://www.succeedsocially.com/sociallife










Thursday, October 9, 2014

Day 61 of 100 - Feeling Good

I love this quote by Dolly Parton, “People always say, ‘You seem to always be so happy,’”  she tells Southern Living magazine. “But I’m not always happy. Nobody is happy all the time. I’m a very sensitive person. I’m a songwriter, so I have to live with my feelings on my sleeve. I have to not harden my heart, because I want to stay open to feel things. So when I hurt, I hurt all over. And when I cry, I cry real hard. And when I’m mad, I’m mad all over. I’m just a person; I like to experience whatever the feeling is and whatever I’m going through. But I have a good attitude. And I was born with a happy heart. I’m always looking for things to be better.”

...and, so, that too is me.  I hate to admit it, but when I get upset, I'm all mad, every part of me is involved in that emotion; and when I cry (and yes, I most certainly do cry) it takes over my entire soul.  I cry hard and deep.  But you don't get to see that.  That side of me is very much reserved and protected.

It takes great strength to understand your own frustrations and pain, accept them as fact, accept them as past, and move on.  Put your game face on, and keep walking forward.  Finding positive in everything around you, allowing yourself to be free of those events, and people, and taking control of your life by committing to being happy - or even moreso, joyful.


Two great videos to make sure to watch are: Ted talks"The Power of Vulnerability" and spoke with Oprah on Super Bowl Sunday.

There is no joy without gratitude, Brene writes "...for 12 years... I have never interviewed a single person who talks about the capacity to really experience joy who did not actively practice gratitude..."

She describes joy as terrifying.... because you could love someone so much, it brings you so much joy, and then the fear rushes in... "when we lose our tolerance to be vulnerable, joy becomes foreboding"....  

She says many of us do not allow ourselves to experience joy fully, because we are too afraid of losing it!!

So, she says if we write things down, practicing gratitude, we end up appreciating the little things and find incredible joy in them.

Another one of her quotes, which resonates with me very deeply, and is also what drives me to practice being strong and confident is the fact that I want my children to be without shame, to be proud of who they are, confident and strong... no matter what that picture may look like:

"You can’t raise children who have more shame resilience than you do. Because even if you don’t shame them, and even if you are actively trying to raise them feeling good about who they are, they’re never going to treat themselves better than you treat yourself. So that’s the bad news and the good news, but mostly the sucky news. If you want to raise a daughter with a really healthy body image, you better love your body as a mother, because that counts way more than looking at your daughter and saying “You’re beautiful and your body is beautiful.” All that matters to her is how she sees you acting with your own body. Which sucks. We can’t give children what we don’t have. We just have to be the adults we hope they grow up to be."

Just last week, my youngest daughter and I were dancing in the kitchen while I cooked dinner.  We were shaking it all over, not worrying a moment for what we looked like, what our bodies were like, nor whether we were good or not.  We were loving the music, and our time together, and that was all that really mattered.  There is no room for negativity in a world where you allow yourself to dance, to love, to sing, and to feel.  So let yourself go, will ya!! ;) In no time, you'll be feeling good....




"Birds flying high
You know how I feel
Sun in the sky
You know how I feel
Breeze driftin' on by
You know how I feel
It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
For me
And I'm feeling good
I'm feeling good"

- Feeling good, by songwriters Anthony Newley and Leslie Bricusse











Wednesday, October 8, 2014

Day 60 of 100 - The Journey - a poem.


The Journey
by Karen Ritchie Brown
October 8th 2014 - the 60th blog posting, of 100 days of me.

Upon this restless journey
Thus create a timeless show
Attempt to be the best one can
Attempt to share what little is known

Not always pleasing every heart
Not here to do what's right
Wish only to survive this time
Plow forth through listless plight

The solo has a unique place
A melody to ring
Yet finding harmony to join
The real love yet to sing

In music one can find themselves
Our destiny awaits
The choice is ours to play our song
Each step ours to create

Walk forward n'er to hesitate
Have courage and be strong
We only have ourselves to be
No other can prove wrong

So don't look back, trust in your path
You always have the choice
To turn again, a road anew,
With confidence, your voice

- at 60 days, I felt poetic.  Sometimes fewer words, mean more.

Day 59 of 100 - The Run

I can't remember the first time I ran a race.  (Mom reminds me it was in grade 7 though, just before I got my hernia - guess I always pushed a little to hard ;))

Growing up in Sault Ste. Marie though, we ran everywhere - up Pim Hill, down Church St. to the river, along Queen to Bellevue park and all the way back home when the lights came on at night.  Chasing the boys around the school yard was another memory quite clear in the mind... Those poor boys...



My favourite race - the first really important accomplishment - happened in grade school at lunch hour.  I attended Alex Muir Public School in SSM and one year, a new girl arrived on the scene.  She was tall, long blond hair, great long legs and a spirit as tough as nails.  One day, she called me out. I can't remember why or even how it came about but the challenge was set. We were going to race. The best runner would be the winner of the race and the school yard would witness this event.  She was likely twice my size, as I was always tiny, and she bragged that she would beat me in a race of 100 or 200 meters - the length I don't quite remember.  It was basically from one side of the school yard to the other.

I went home first at lunch time, had something to eat, most likely a peanut butter and jam sandwich - my absolute favourite! - and I can remember jogging back to school for the big race.  I can remember thinking the jog would warm up my legs and get me ready to go.  I couldn't have been more than 10 or 11 years old! We lined up along a line drawn in the sand, and someone yelled GO!  I had to push my legs twice the speed to keep up to her lengthy stride.  She was ahead at first but by the time that end point arrived I was in front and so overwhelmingly happy, proud, satisfied and alive.  I will never forget that feeling and to this day... it's why I'm so competitive, I think.

Racing then became a life for me.  I joined into the Friendship Games, which were an annual summer track and field competition between Soo Michigan and Soo Ontario.  I ran the 400m, the 800m and did high jump.  I was never the best, but I was always a contender, and I truly loved to train and race.

High school track and field, cross country running and a few other sports thrown into the mix like basketball, volleyball, and ringette kept me busy, and entertained.  My best friends were found through my love of sports and it kept me alive.


I can remember telling myself, it didn't matter if I was pretty or not, I had my legs.  I loved my legs.  They'd carry me through anything.  I loved to run.  I could run away from all my troubles and run toward my future.

Grade 13 was the year I truly shined.  I had a male running partner in my grade 13 year at White Pines whom was a great friend.  He was a strong runner, faster than me, so he kept me pushing myself in our training.  We'd run every day after school, 5 kilometers or so, and did hill work, intervals and other track work.  I won the 3000 meters in the city track and field competition that year, and went on the place 3rd in all of Northern Ontario.

I had left home in grade 13 and lived on my own, attending a different high school. Due to being at a new high school it disqualified me from attending OFSSA.  I'll never know how I would have placed at the all Ontario competition, but it doesn't matter.  I was a runner and I now was very strong.

In the military we began longer runs upwards of 16 kilometers with a full 60lb ruck sack and a rifle in hand.

It is little surprise then, that I've made running a part of every year.

Some years were not good years - it hasn't always been rosy and easy - I gained a lot of weight when my Thyroid stopped working years ago, and my 5km races were close to 28 minutes long to complete.  I'd be in SO MUCH PAIN at the end of them... it was challenging to get through.

With perseverance though, we CAN accomplish anything physical. My 5km now is down to 22:19 and I'm hoping in two weeks, if I can get over this concussion I have, that I'll be able to run a 1:42 half marathon and qualify for New York Marathon.

The most important fact is, we must do what we love with so much passion that we become very good at it, as with this perseverance comes great reward.

Monday, October 6, 2014

Day 58 of 100 days of me - What you Believe



"If you believe in yourself, and you believe that you are worthy - whatever you focus on with all of your mind and pursue with all your heart, you will achieve." - Unknown author


In an earlier blog, I wrote about Julia Cameron's The Artists Way and how I have been journaling now for so many years, I've had the opportunity to look back on those things I have wished for, believed in, and wanted - and witnessed every one of those things come true.  I have the family I had always wanted, a dream home, a great job, incredible friendships, happiness beyond measure, health that cannot be denied, richness and the freedom to enjoy my life, and a life full of passion.

Janna Krawczyk writes in her blog entitled Writing Your Way to What You Want  "I didn’t know how to get what I wanted. I just kept writing about what I wanted. And as I continued to write, I became clearer and more specific about the life I wanted to create."

I am not the only one who has found that by writing out the life we want to lead, it actually becomes a reality.


I know that not everything I write will be understood, believed, or agreed to by everyone.  I know that my writing can be, at times, misleading, flawed, naive, simplistic and narcissic.  However, despite all that, I do believe, the most important thing, is not that we behave perfectly, creating a written word that is without scrutiny or doubt, but only that we do create, that we do write, that we do find ourselves somewhere in those words, and most of all, that we create the life we wish to be in, through those letters.

“Most of us are not raised to actively encounter our destiny. We may not know that we have one. As children, we are seldom told we have a place in life that is uniquely ours alone. Instead, we are encouraged to believe that our life should somehow fulfill the expectations of others, that we will (or should) find our satisfactions as they have found theirs. Rather than being taugh to ask ourselves who we are, we are schooled to ask others. We are, in effect, trained to listen to others' versions of ourselves. We are brought up in our life as told to us by someone else! When we survey our lives, seeking to fulfill our creativity, we often see we had a dream that went glimmering because we believed, and those around us believed, that the dream was beyond our reach. Many of us would have been, or at least might have been, done, tried something, if...
If we had known who we really were.”
― Julia Cameron

“I have learned, as a rule of thumb, never to ask whether you can do something. Say, instead, that you are doing it. Then fasten your seat belt. The most remarkable things follow.”
― Julia Cameron



Day 57 of 100 - Feeling Good

I first heard of Janis Joplin when I was in my early teens.  I loved the bluesy feel of her voice and the warmth of her style.  I loved the passion she gave to her music.  I can never do her justice, but I sure do love performing her music.  One of my favourite all time lines (written of course not by Janis but by Kris Kristofferson) is "Feeling good was good enough for me..."


I do believe that we need to find that place in our world that allows us, within ourselves to feel, really good - and allow that to be good enough, success enough, living life full enough... 

You know what I completely think is awesome?  
What I think really feels good, and is most certainly good enough for me ?  

The feel of cool crisp and clean sheets
Hot Sun on my face, even in winter
Floating in Lake or Ocean water 
Listening to melodic music
Moving or dancing to a great bass beat
The taste of a delicious meal
Being with you

It really is the little things that count the most, if we can learn to love them and appreciate them.