Day 71 of 100 - The untamed

"To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else, means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting." ~E.E. Cummings, 1955

71st day of committing to remain single, for me.  Why? Because 71 nights ago, I found myself in an evening as ordinary as any other, where I sat there on my bed and I was questioning who I am, and whether I was worthy of love...  and decided, I was not going to do that anymore.

No More.
Enough.
Those thoughts are no longer allowed to be a part of my psyche.

Instead I choose to think about what is important to me, what I can tolerate and live with, but as the quote below shows, more than anything, I choose to attract in my life those people that I cannot live without.

We are the untamed, the worthy of love - most of all, we must feel worthy enough to love ourselves in all of our weakness and strength. It is too easy to place blame on ourselves, but I think it's important instead, to say it's okay to be weak, it's okay to be tolerant, it's okay to stay in a safe relationship, it's okay to remain where you are, it's okay to be exactly who we need to be in order to be alive and well.  If you can look in the mirror and say, I love who I am, and my choices are in support of that person - then I believe you are okay.

There is an entry in a journal of mine from March of 2000 where I write the following poem:

Bright Sun
California Sky
Blue waters
Captured by
Leaves of Green
Grasslands vast
Salted Splash
Pink and Grey Sands
Mountains High
Breath of life
Passes by

Rejuvenation
Wind in your hair

The Beauty is endless

How fresh is the air
Long to return
one day soon
By Plane, by car
Thunderous Boom
The roar and drive
Within to change
Life as it is
Must rearrange

Stood up again
What can I say
Another excuse
Another day
How long would I wait
How patient be
Not enough
Apparently
For now, I'm done
Despite your tries

For now is enough
Not going to lie
I do not want
This kind of trip
There are other things
I long to do
Other men
Who would be true
"He's a good guy"
I'll always say
Just not for me
Not today

I share this poem to show that fourteen years ago, I knew what I needed for myself.  Despite that knowledge I made the conscious decision to put aside those needs and dedicated myself to making that relationship work. I was fully engaged in it.  I have no regrets, and I'm not sharing this to cause any hurt.  I am sharing to try to show you that we actually do know ourselves very well, and we know what we need, what is important to us, what we can tolerate and when it becomes intolerable.  We make choices in our lives based on those very key instincts and I think it is safe to say, that that itself, is OKAY.

We always know.
As I knew.
I know now too.
I know now that I need, and want, what is healthy for me, and what isn't.

Know that being single,engaged, married, or committed right now is neither a problem, nor a solution, it is simply a state of being.

We need to focus on loving ourselves enough, to allow ourselves to make good choices in support of this love and the ultimate needs that we have. Only then will we be able to make the right decisions.

The goal is the focus.  Making YOU the priority - not in a selfish, neglectful to others way, not in a gold digging, abusive, or using way... but most simply, being true to what is right and good for us.

I won't say BE YOURSELF - but I will say:  allow yourself to BE.

Favourite Quotes:

He who trims himself to suit everyone will soon whittle himself away. ~Raymond Hull

We all wear masks, and the time comes when we cannot remove them without removing some of our own skin. ~André Berthiaume, Contretemps

We are what we pretend to be, so we must be careful about what we pretend to be. ~Kurt Vonnegut

“God, no. I don’t want to tame her, I want to watch her. I just want to watch her be herself – it turns me on like nothing else.” 

― Dianna Hardy, The Spell of Summer