Will you be smart enough to recognize when they are NOT the right one ?
Most important - Do you know how to walk away?
I've written so much about visualization of the person you want in your life, and I've also written about how to know you are lucky to have them, how to listen to your inner voice.
What I have not written much about is how to break it off, when it isn't right.
I've told you in other blogs that you always know, right in the beginning that something is amiss. Will you ignore it, or follow through and let that relationship go, for the sake of long term sanity?
Letting the relationship go, is really the toughest thing to do. I've not written much on this as I am not terribly good at it, and don't have the best answers.
Instead, I've been very good at making up excuses for people, and being understanding and tolerant when I should have stated what I expected and if they could live with that, great - and if not, to move on.
In one story of mine, I had a boyfriend literally freak out over a situation I had no control over. I should have known at that very obvious moment this person would go on to freak out at many uncontrollable situations in future, and would be the cause of much pain.
In another situation, the love interest simply didn't show up or text to say that he wouldn't be coming over, after discussion that we would meet. Seems silly almost to make a big deal over such a small situation, but it is huge. The person who doesn't think of you, when they were supposed to, is going to be the same one, who years down the road will be angry if you try to get them to communicate with you and will ultimately not be there for you.
So when these tiny, nearly insignificant situations arise... what do we do? How do we back out of a relationship we are quite mesmerized by? How do we let go of the REST of that person, that we've come to admire, and love?
This is where I fall short of good advice.
I know we should walk.
I haven't learned how.
I haven't mastered this one.
One article made "Leaving a bad relationship" all about self esteem. I don't believe this is the problem, as in my case I am very happy and confident with who I am. It is not that somewhere deep inside I feel I am not worthy of a better relationship, it is that there is so much about this person I want to hold onto, that I suffer the obvious signs that it is ultimately going to hurt me.
Another article blames this behaviour on codependency, however, I have much trouble in my case identifying with most of the descriptions I've read. It normally relates to the person trying to save an alcoholic, or drug addict, which is also, not the norm in my case... however this list of characteristics that codependents may show does cause one to think about how they see themselves in a relationship:
"An exaggerated sense of responsibility for the actions of others
A tendency to confuse love and pity, with the tendency to “love” people they can pity and rescue
A tendency to do more than their share, all of the time
A tendency to become hurt when people don’t recognize their efforts
An unhealthy dependence on relationships. The co-dependent will do anything to hold on to a relationship; to avoid the feeling of abandonment
An extreme need for approval and recognition
A sense of guilt when asserting themselves
A compelling need to control others
Lack of trust in self and/or others
Fear of being abandoned or alone
Difficulty identifying feelings
Rigidity/difficulty adjusting to change
Problems with intimacy/boundaries
Chronic anger
Lying/dishonesty
Poor communications
Difficulty making decisions"
So many times we find if we really try we can make lists of characteristics or symptoms fit our situations. It is quite interesting as I could question myself in that perhaps I do fall in love with people that NEED me. If they need me, and I'm in the relationship to be needed, to want to rescue them, to want to help them, to do more than my share all the time, to be hurt when my efforts are not recognized, to feel bad speaking up for what I need, to fear being alone, to fear leaving them - then even though I do not identify with all the other characteristics, aren't those few enough to say I'm behaving like a codependent ? Perhaps.
Perhaps I can't leave because I want to help them. Yet, is it not right to think they are worthy of helping? Seems too complicated to just write off.
Moreso, I don't want to leave as I truly believe the situation wasn't enough to warrant walking.
I believe they are worth waiting for...
I believe all that I love and admire about the person, and the good times spent in their company, far outweighs those tiny slights... but will they manifest over time into something intolerable? Perhaps.... then I'll look back, and say I knew. Hindsight is always 20/20.
Somewhere inside I am the true romantic, who believes that love means accepting the mistakes, the weaknesses, the poor choices, and yes, even the not being there all the time. That being happy for them is what is important, not expecting them to make you happy...
I can acknowledge that this is problematic, and contradictory.
Life is not easy, and love is hard work.
True solution? Stay single longer :)
...if that were easier... yet, it certainly is not.
Best of Luck in your love.
xo
“I used to think that finding the right one was about the man having a list of certain qualities. If he has them, we'd be compatible and happy. Sort of a checkmark system that was a complete failure. But I found out that a healthy relationship isn't so much about sense of humor or intelligence or attractive. It's about avoiding partners with harmful traits and personality types. And then it's about being with a good person. A good person on his own, and a good person with you. Where the space between you feels uncomplicated and happy. A good relationship is where things just work. They work because, whatever the list of qualities, whatever the reason, you happen to be really, really good together.”
― Deb Caletti, The Secret Life of Prince Charming
“Real love has little to do with falling. It's a climb up the rocky face of a mountain, hard work, and most people are too selfish or too scared to bother.
Very few reach the critical point in their relationship that summons the attention of the light and the dark, that place where they will make a commitment to love no matter what obstacles-or temptations- appear in their path.”
― Stacey Jay, Juliet Immortal
“That's the big picture, your happiness. And health. You should never care what a man thinks of you -- until he demonstrates to you that he cares about making you happy. If he isn't trying to make you happy, then send him back from "whence" he came because winning him over will have no benefit. At the end of the day, happines, joy...and yes...your emotional stability...those comprise the only measuring stick you really need to have.”
― Sherry Argov, Why Men Love Bitches: From Doormat to Dreamgirl - A Woman's Guide to Holding Her Own in a Relationship
“By reacting from fear instead of responding from love, you inject poison directly into the veins of your relationship.”
― Steve Maraboli, Unapologetically You: Reflections on Life and the Human Experience
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