New beginnings

Today is Saturday November 15th around 6am.  The sun is just beginning to rise and a gorgeous orange hue is lining the base of the rich blue sky.  The trees outside my window are merely black silhouettes at this point.  I love that sky.  I'll miss this house, and my window.  I know I'll find another window and another view that I love, but I'm current etching this one into memory, so that I'll never forget it.

I find this time of year very pretty.  The frost on the ground is like tiny crystals.  Seeing my breath on the air, and feeling the crisp wind on my face makes me feel alive.  Everything slows down, the entire yard is still.  It is so peaceful and beautiful.



Today I need to get over to chapters to purchase next years calendar.  It is actually been the limiting factor in beginning my Ironman training.  You need the plan first, to take any action.  What I do, is I buy next years calendar, and beginning at the date of the race I work backwards with all the training I need to do to get to the race day.



That way each day, I open my calendar and know exactly what training I'm supposed to do.  I've been working with Gale Bernhardt's coaching plans for multisport athletes.  I bought the book a few years ago now when I began triathlons.  Based on the excellent results I had during my half Ironman, I'm convinced she knows what she is doing.

Once I have filled in the calendar, I will see when the real first day of hard core training begins.  I'm expecting it will be at the beginning of February.  I'm going to start today with the conditioning program.  I'll bike a little bit today, run a little bit tomorrow and start to swim next week.  Easy conditioning, nothing hard core.. the idea right now is to build the base for the muscle building that will start in January. All the training you should do in the winter months should be light, fun and easy.  Build a solid base for the muscle, power, and interval training to come.

The next big challenge for me is nutrition.  Nutrition in short distance races is quite simple and you can make a lot of mistakes without destroying your body too much.  In a 12 hour Ironman, the nutrition base you've built up by how you eat during your training, I believe, is critical.  I want to be healthy during the process and have a great finish to the race... so eating appropriate levels of carbs, proteins, vitamins and minerals during the next year and the plan for the race is my biggest challenge.

Checklist this week:
Make a plan for the race
Get a book on nutrition
Start easy conditioning in swimming, biking, and running
Mostly - have fun

Last day. 99 of 100 days of Me - Thank YOU.

I saved the best for last.  

YOU 

I didn't start this blog without inspiration from the people in my life. I won't name you, as I've stayed true to not naming anyone for 100 days in this blog.  But you know who you are.  You mean the world to me. I won't forget the difference you've made.

You told me I was valued and worth more than what I was giving myself credit for.  I believed you.  

I didn't write in isolation - it was you -  my friends, and family - that inspired me, motivated me and kept me thinking.  

I will never be alone.  I am loved.  I know that to be true.  

I've had so many great comments on these blogs.  

Thank you so so VERY much for these... you felt I made your day? but truly, you MADE MINE.  :)

"very thought-provoking Karen"

"this is a very interesting blog"

"very vulnerable of you and honest, transparent and helpful too"

"well said"

"very touching post, and you are so right on"

"You should go ahead and write your book"

"this is beautiful"

"great job"

"your timing on your fb post is amazing"

"I hope you don't mind, I sent your link to a friend"

"you are a great writer"

"really inspirational stuff"

"thanks for all the inspiration"

"I really needed that"

"what you are doing, is really cool"

I was even sent a gift in the mail.  A triathlon drinking glass, that I'll cherish forever.  

Saying that, you should know that not everyone appreciated the blog, and some felt it was too much honesty, some felt it was superficial, and some likened it to a hallmark ad.  I lost a friend in the process but I am glad they were honest.  I appreciate that not everyone will agree with my decisions and not everyone will ever understand my journey.  

Lesson Learned:  I have learned over these 100 days, that, not only can I survive myself just fine, but I've been taught, by you, that I have a place in this world, that writing is my freedom, and that not only can I heal myself through this means, but I can make a difference, and help to heal others.

Thank you for being there for me, for reading my blog, for giving me an outlet for my thoughts, inspiring me to keep on the path forward, for sharing your feelings and mostly for your love.   

When we love each other, we carry each other though life, and make the journey so worthwhile.

All my love,

Karen

xo

2 days remain - 98 days of 100 days of me - but It's not about me ;)

With only 2 days remaining, I seriously can't believe the time has passed so quickly.  I entitled the blog 100 days of me... but it was never about me ;) it was always simply for me.  Turns out - It isn't about you either... but is sure has become for you.  More on that, in tomorrow's blog....

#9 Lesson Learned: Not about you.

I had one of the biggest crushes of my life when I was only 13.  I was foolishly head over heels.  In my mind he was perfect... so good looking to me, so interesting, we laughed alot, and had much in common, and yes, he played guitar - I admired that instrument, even then.  He was 15 years old.  He had written me a song, which for the life of me, I can't remember a single word of it now.  He handed me the piece of paper with the words, and began to play and sing for me.  Wow! I was so impressed that he played the guitar and sang me this song, his back up against an old tree, sitting in the park outside his apartment where his family lived.  I was beside myself in bliss.  This love affair ended rather abruptly, as most relationships do at 13 years old... and I was heartbroken.  I was sure I was the problem.  If I had been prettier, funnier, better, something, anything!! Someone help me figure it out! Tell me what I needed to do, to BE.... why wasn't I the one for him!! Why wasn't I loved by him??? how tragic it was in my tiny mind.  Can you imagine?? I was 13.  For crying out loud.. how could I have possibly felt that way.  Without going into all the details that I've already shared in previous blogs, I was destroyed.  What I didn't know then, but is so obvious now, was that it had absolutely NOTHING to do with ME.  It rarely ever does.  How could it have possibly been about a girl who he knew nothing about?  Sweet and innocent, a full life ahead, and I darn well nearly squandered it... over something that had nothing to do with me.

As we get older, this sensitivity we have towards ourselves doesn't disappear, we carry it well into adulthood and we find ourselves questioning so many levels, in our work, in our relationships, in our hobbies, in almost anything we do... but it isn't about us.  They don't really know us.  The decisions and choices that other people make in their lives, are important to them and do not reflect on what or who we are.  They know themselves and they know what they want and need for themselves, somehow, when they look out at you, at me, they don't see what they are looking for - does that mean we aren't good enough? Of course not - it means we aren't for them.  I've said earlier that just because this isn't your destiny, doesn't mean you don't have one... you simply have another one.  We have another path to follow... don't be afraid to walk it. Start with the first step.

I began the blog to learn to find the means to not question who I am.  Through sharing these thoughts and evaluating what is really important in life, I have found it.  We all need regular reminders - true - but I know who I am, and if I'm not what you need, or what you are looking for - it's okay! I'm okay with that.  I think we need to spend more time feeling glad for someone else's adventures, and dreams and less time wishing or being jealous ourselves.  I sincerely hope you all do find what you are looking for.  BE TRUE TO YOURSELF and stop doubting based on what other's do, react, say, or believe.  It doesn't matter what they think. It doesn't matter what I think.  You must be of your own mind.

Our value is not based on someone else's choices! Can you imagine that you see two guys who want to make the soccer team, and there is only one spot left. By some selection criteria one guy is selected over the other.  Is the other guy done? Is his life over? Should he give up soccer? Give up life? GOSH NO!  you'll say that is ridiculous but then turn around and feel broken if you didn't get chosen in a job, in a team, in a relationship.  Our hind sight is so clear.  If only we can try to work on the foresight of being smarter and stronger right up front, when life is giving us a new card.... can we take it with pride and move on?

I believe our value should be purely based on what we can contribute to the world around us, and I can tell you, we have so much to give.  If we as a society spent more time worrying about what we could do to better the lives of those around us, rather than wallowing in our own self pity of why our lives weren't fulfilled enough - we'd surely have a better world and a better self image.

So the lesson learned:  It isn't about you.  It certainly hasn't been about me.  Be strong.  Be yourself. Take care of others... all else will take care of itself...

Some select lyrics from another favourite song... "Good Enough" by Sarah McLachlan

....I never would have opened up
but you seemed so real to me
after all the bullshit I've heard
it's refreshing not to see
I don't have to pretend....

...who's there that makes you so afraid
you're shaken to the bone
and I don't understand
you deserve so much more than this

So don't tell me why
he's never been good to you
don't tell me why
he's never been there for you
don't you know that why
is simply not good enough
so just let me try
and I will be good to you
just let me try
and I will be there for you
I'll show you why
you're so much more than good enough...

xo

“Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you. And stay.” 
― Will Smith

3 days remain - 97 days of 100 - NO Such thing as Pain

I have felt pain intensely throughout my life.   There have been times I felt it was unbearable.

On day 76, just two days after my race, I wrote about what pain feels like to me.  Go back and read this blog if you have the chance.  I was feeling every word I wrote that day.  The physical pain of the impact of the race, and the pain one feels when love taken a good bite.

I'm here to tell you, that one of top lessons I've learned in the last 100 days, is that there is no such thing as pain.  It is all in your mind, and you do have a choice to stop feeling it.

Crazy.  I know... but let me explain.

Caveat - I am not referring to pain caused by a medical situation - anyone who has suffered an illness that brings upon an intolerable pain and is non curable is not an area in which I have any knowledge or advice... 

Wikipedia explains that regular exposure to pain will increase your tolerance to pain.  I have experienced this in my training.  Running a 5k was incredibly painful in the beginning, but with repeated running this distance, the body soon became accustomed to the pain, and further distance was achieved before pain would set in.  Of course, simultaneously, my body became stronger, managed oxygen and carbohydrates better, grew muscle mass and became more efficient at running.  I now can run 3 hours with minimal pain, however, upon adventuring into the 4th hour my body begins to tell my brain it is too much and I begin to feel the pain of my efforts.


Have you ever cut yourself, and at first the pain is LOUD and obvious but it soon decreases to nearly a null?  This is because the nervous system is telling you, your brain, that there is a problem.  Once the brain is aware, that you know there is a problem and are dealing with it, the pain diminishes.  This is true in so many area's of our physical realm.   I have often used this knowledge to my advantage.  As soon as I feel pain, I tell myself (yes, I do talk to myself) "I know.  I feel it.  It's okay.  You don't need to tell me anymore".  My brain then moves on, and the pain diminishes.  We have the power of mind over matter.  We only need to read about so many historical lessons in this knowledge to realize the power we truly have over our bodies, and especially our sensitivity to pain.




Why do you think taking a pain killer stops the pain? - it basically interferes with the messages travelling along the nervous system to the brain, either at the site of the injury, in the spinal cord or in the brain itself.  Thus if you can take something to stop the brain from telling you there is pain, then you can tell your brain you don't need the message sent.  Mind over matter.






I really do believe we have a choice.  I say that even though I still feel.  I haven't yet mastered this advice, but I do believe it is true and it is a lesson I wish to share and continue to practice.

Wikipedia also indicates that in some cases there is evidence to support the theory that "the greater exposure to pain will result in more painful future exposures."  They say that having repeated incidents and exposure to pain teaches your body to respond quicker to minor pain in future.  Once bitten twice shy? Yes.  But I believe we have power over our minds here too... do not allow your mind to dictate what you can, or cannot tolerate.  It is only a nervous system. It isn't real.



Think about when you've gone to the dentist to get a cavity filled.  The dentist will normally use a topical anesthetic. This gel is used to numb the oral mucosa in a specific area where the injection is going to take place. This creates a temporary numbing of the nerve endings, making the injection less painful.  So if our nerve endings are the only things telling us something is painful, pain isn't real.

I was recently at the physiotherapist for my whiplash being treated by "electrotherapy".  She basically placed four pads on my upper back below my neck, and had an electrical current applied through them, which I was told convinces the brain that there is pain in a specific area, causing the brain to bring in potent chemicals to help "cure" and repair the area.  If we can fake pain in the brain, we can also remove it.  Ourselves. Without drugs or painkillers. Mind over matter.  I believe we have this choice.

So you are afraid to get hurt ? What is being hurt ? It is the brain telling us we've had a painful experience... I think if we can be smart, we will quickly thank the brain for this feedback, and move on.  Life is too short to stop living, feeling, and loving because we might get hurt again.

Yes, we could miss the pain... but we'd have to miss the dance.  I choose to dance.  The dance for me, is much more worth it, than to be safe and protected.

If and when the pain begins... I'll be ready.  Just like racing the Ironman next year, I know it is going to hurt.  I'm ready for it.  I'll talk myself through it.  I'll put my mind over the matter... with strength and motivation... I'll convince my brain that I'm going to survive this pain, that it will not take me over, it will not stop me from progressing, and not only will I endure and finish that race, I will rise above the pain of love lost... and I will love again.   You can too.  Have no fear, and know your pain is all in your mind.  If you can get through that challenge, there is nothing you cannot achieve.

Do we have any choice in life but to get our minds around surviving our pain? I don't think so.  If we don't overcome it, we succumb to it... and where are we then?

I have proven to myself, that I can be hurt physically and emotionally and I'm still here.
So why would I back away in fear now??

Live on.
xo

"I just feel pain. A lot of pain. I thought I could imagine how much this would hurt, but I was wrong.”
― Haruki Murakami, South of the Border, West of the Sun

“Pain is temporary. Quitting lasts forever.”
― Lance Armstrong, Every Second Counts

“One word
Frees us of all the weight and pain of life:
That word is love.”
― Sophocles

“I was not allowed to think of him. That was something I tried to be very strict about. Of course I slipped; I was only human. But I was getting better, and so the pain was something I could avoid for days at a time now. The trade-off was the never-ending numbness. Between pain and nothing, I'd chosen nothing.”
― Stephenie Meyer, New Moon






 

4 days remain - 96 days of 100 - The Music Inspires

I feel a little bit like The Count as I create these blog pages... "...FOUR!, FOUR! pages remain... bah ha ha ha ha.... "

If you do not know The Count von Count, you have been isolated too long, brought up in another country, or were just born.  Anyone from my era, my province, knows who this famous and sexy cartoon man is. :) Yes, I am getting old and slightly ridiculous in the process...

Lesson #7 Is the gift of music



Without music, I'm not sure I would have survived so many times in life.  A simple song gave me so much power to progress, improve, fight harder, try more, believe in love, believe in a future... I can't imagine a world without music - although our ancesters did exist with it only coming from their Sundays in Church - no wonder they loved to attend faithfully ;)

In fact, I began my own music career singing in St. Gabriel's Parish here in Ottawa, a cappella, songs for the congregation there at the Saturday night mass.  I sang because I loved it. I sang because I hoped it made people happy and more complete.  One day a couple came up to me and asked me if I would sing with them in their three part harmony group.  I ecstatically agreed, and had some of the very best musical experiences ever with two people who became family to me.   It began the years of singing that I've continued to love.

It is music with a deep beat (You know it's all about that Bass...), great harmonies, beautiful melodies and lyrics that tap into my soul, that I love the most.

When I was 17 I left home and lived with friends for a time, to finish high school and get out of bad situation.  I needed very much to get back on track, get back to a real home (good, bad or whatnot), apply to university, to leave that city that I dearly loved, to achieve a better life for me. I didn't want to go back to that house, but one night while sitting there listening to the Much Music videos, the song "Try" by Blue Rodeo came on.  I still cry inside when I hear that song.  It really is all about me (I know you think it was written by them for someone else, but I'm here to correct you ;)).  Jim Cuddy was talking specifically to me when he sang:

So many people said
Girl you've got nothing but time
You are a shining star
Don't worry about what you're leaving behind.
Every time you walk in the room
I couldn't ever be sure of a smile
You were never the same way twice,
I'm falling in love
Oh, night after night - oh it's crazy...

Oh you got to try, try, try.

With his words I moved back home, and I tried hard to survive it just long enough to get into university, get a scholarship with the military and be off to Montreal to attend McGill.  It was tough, but I truly don't know that I would have walked that road, without that song! Is that not crazy? Maybe, but it is the music that inspires me to go on.

No matter how difficult and challenging life got for me, especially in bad relationships and in bad circumstances the haunting and beauty of the lyrics of "the Rose" continued to inspire me to be better, to give more, to be open to the journey, as it was going to get better - mostly to have NO FEAR:

It's the heart afraid of breaking
That never learns to dance.
It's the dream afraid of waking
That never takes the chance.
It's the one who won't be taken,
Who cannot seem to give,
And the soul afraid of dyin'
That never learns to live.

There are great songs from so many different eras, by many great artists that inspire strength and surviving your tough times - a VERY short list of some of my favourites: "Can't Hurry Love", by the Supremes (or Phil Collins);"Survivor" by Destiny's Child (Featuring Da Brat); "Hero" by Mariah Carey; "Let It Be" by the Beatles; "Lean on Me" written by Bill Withers (some great newer recordings of this one); "Beautiful" by Christina Aguilera; "Blowin in The Wind" by Bob Dylan; or "Bring me to Life" by Evanescence...

So on hard days, on tough days, there is likely a song that will inspire you, and give you the hope and strength you need to not fret the moment, but live on and believe in yourself.  For me, over these last weeks, it has been "Crazy Girl" by Eli Young Band.  In my imagination, the man of my dreams is right here in front of me, singing this song to me, telling me I've got nothing in this world to be concerned over - because he loves me... and I believe him, truly.  xo

Crazy girl, don't you know that I love you? 
And I wouldn't dream of goin' nowhere 
Silly woman, come here, let me hold you 
Have I told you lately? 
I love you like crazy, girl

5 days remain - 95 days of 100 days of me - Be yourself

"Don't just be yourself, but allow yourself to BE" - unknown.

With only 5 days remaining, one of the very top lessons learned and taken on, whole heartedly, is the following one: Be yourself.  Be proud of who you are.

I really love the quote above.  It really is important to let yourself be.  Don't you dare question who you are, or your value just because you don't get that promotion you were looking for, or, you don't accomplish that time you wanted in a race, or, you don't catch the eye of someone you really admired, or you don't hear from someone that you really hoped was missing you....

Let yourself be. It is almost always NEVER about you.

And to be truthful, if it is IS about you - then it isn't meant to be, but something else is...   Be strong enough to walk forward and be open minded to what may come of it.

Don't think that I walk around feeling super positive every day.  There are so many moments of doubt that come - and swiftly get their buts kicked before they settle into my psyche :)  All kidding aside, there is no one thing that will prevent us from doubting, from worrying, from being negative. But the number one thing you can do, that gets you out of that funk as quickly as humanly possible, is repeating those words that bring you back down, land you on your feet, and remind you, that everything happens for a reason, and you're going to be okay.

Top 5 rules to live by:

1. stay true to your values, be yourself
2. be open minded
3. be forgiving
4. Don't live like you're dying - you'll likely die doing so... but live large and be smart about it
5. Just live... and stop worrying about where your life is going... just live it.



Some days are always tougher than others.  You need to keep your quotes handy - you need to have resources to draw upon to keep on walking forward.  The quote about always getting back up comes to mind - that even if we knock ourselves down - just keep standing back up, and keep walking forward.  I believe our purpose in life is to simply survive it.  We've come from a long line, of survivors - so don't think you don't have what it takes.  You do. :)

Be yourself, so you can be proud, and satisfied with those who love you for who you are. xo




Little side note: TOP BLOGS

Funny what a title will do to draw attention to a statement.  My top blog to date is the one I entitled SEX.  It didn't even get very raunchy or direct, but people came to read it because of the title :).  I'll have to write another sex blog one day.  One day!!

My top blogs:

Day 8 of 100 days of me - sex.
111 views!

100 days of ME begins today
Aug 5, 2014, 2 comments
96 views

Day 10 – Falling off the wagon
Aug 15, 2014
93 views

Day 5 of 100 days of ME - I knew you were trouble...
Aug 10, 2014
80 views

Day 35 - the crash
Sep 9, 2014
75 views

Day 3 of 100 days of ME - Music and our destiny......
Aug 8, 2014
72 views

Day 75 of 100 days of Me - I'm Staying.
Oct 19, 2014
71 views

Regrets
Jan 30, 2013, 1 comment
71 views

Day 7 - of silencing the mind
Aug 12, 2014, 1 comment
64 views

6 days remain - 94 of 100 days of Me - Ruthless.

I started to write last night about one of the top lessons I learned in focusing on living and paying attention to what you are doing right now, but I got too tired to finish.  This morning when I woke, my attitude about this blog had changed direction, and I have molded it to suit what I really need to write about.

Ruthlessness.

to act without pity or compassion; cruel; merciless; opportunism.

I have great difficulty ever being ruthless. It goes against my very being, my very core.  I love putting energy into helping people.  Seeing people happy, makes me happy.  If someone is hurt, or sad, it destroys a small part of me.  I then have great difficulty causing more harm by being ruthless.

This is a problem in business environment when management expects you to make decisions that do not take emotion or concern for others into the picture.  As I am a manager, I am required to sometimes act without pity or mercy.  I do not do well in this world.  It destroys a small part of my very being.

In sports it is much the same.  If you want to win, you must be ruthless in your training and in your mindset in beating others - being better, on top of and ahead of, others.  There is no team when there is only one spot for first place.  As you can imagine, my core is different than this persona... perhaps why I am normally second, and third place.



The lack of being ruthless can be a problem in our lives when we let people walk all over us.  There is a middle ground of course, but I'm often to the left of it, myself.  I believe in my approach to such an extent and I remain in peace of mind because of it.  I believe my life will be better because I cared, even though it means I'll come out with less money, less material, less "success".  I guess, deep inside, success for me is being left at peace.  Peace of mind is more important to me than money, houses, things.  I don't mean I want to be alone, without people. I mean I don't want to fight, I am not interested in harming others for my gain.  I want to be in a place where we can just be happy and be free, with my friends, laughing, playing, living...  I know what you are thinking... this idealism is non existent.

In this world, we are not always allowed this freedom and we do need to stand up and fight, and be ruthless for it.  I was trained in the military to fight, to shoot, to stand guard.  I would have to pull that trigger and kill another human if that person were to encroach on my country's freedom, my child's freedom, my peace.  I would not enjoy doing so but I acknowledge I'd have to, and I know I'd find the courage to do so.



Despite all this, I remain true to my core beliefs.  That there is a better life when you have peace of mind, when you look after people, when you let go of material concerns, and allow living and loving to be the main focus of your being.



The Greeks were best and leaders in this area - yet there are plenty of stories of the ruthless Greeks as well.

My daughter this morning was showing me magic tricks.  I asked her if she believed there could ever be real magic, or was it always slight of hand and trickery of the mind.  She answered that she didn't believe in real magic that it was always based on tricks and slight of hand, but that she did believe in Karma.  I reminded her that I believed in Karma too... that I believe if we are good to people, animals, life... that it comes back to us, maybe not now, maybe not in the same form, nor by those same individuals, but it comes back and our lives are fulfilled for it.

The only time you'll find me being "ruthless" - without pity or merci - is with myself.  I do not let myself have excuses to not work hard at my job, workout in my training, or do the things the people I love need me to do for them, "pain is nothing" I say.

I do not let myself give up - the journey is far more rewarding than the fear of the end - as everything always works itself out....

I also, make time for my writing to the ruthless detriment of all other jobs that need doing in my life - as I know it fulfills me, and makes me a better person.  It opens my heart to love, and then that love comes into my life, and grants me the strength to continue to be exactly who I am.