Day 56 of 100 - Life is short

Sunday, July 27th two men under the age of 40 were together, a very normal, typical day for them, driving along Carling avenue. The sky was overcast and grey, but the roads were clear and dry, and there was little traffic to worry about.  As they approached the March road T in the road, they slowed to a stop at the red light.  Laughing about the day ahead they didn't notice the Nissan speeding towards them on March road.  They likely would not have had the opportunity to change their fate, even if they had noticed.  The Nissan, at full speed, attempted to turn right at the very corner the two men were stopped at.  The Nissan hit the curb, flipped in the air, and landed directly on top of the two men in their vehicle. They were crushed immediately.  Their lives disappeared forever.

On Thursday of this week, co-workers and I were driving down a normal road, slowing to turn right at an intersection, when a reckless driver, speeding and driving sporadically, smashed into the back of our vehicle.  Just like that.

I suffered only a concussion - only... it may have long term consequences - but if you know me at all, you know I've already begun the self talk that there is no way, this is going to affect me.  :)  I'm going to heal up quickly and this is going to be my past, not my future.

The point I note, is that I could have easily died there, as easily as the two men did in July.

We never know when our time is up.  We will never be able to predict how long we'll have here - so for my part, I'm appreciating every day.  We may only have one more.

I've been laying in bed mostly these last few days, letting the ol' brain heal up.  I've been rarely on the internet, texting, reading or anything that I love ;)  I'm cheating a bit more today to get some of these blogs up.  I'll be writing double time this week to get caught up to the actual number of days I should be at.

Life is short.  I lost my cousin, whom I loved immensely, to a car accident, when she was only 30.  I was pregnant with my son at the time whom I named after her.

So what do we do differently? Be careful now, not too much, as we may live a very long time, and we would be foolish to do anything that would jeopardize the longevity of the life we will inevitably lead, but let's not put off too long, the things or people we love.  Do not ignore those dreams until next year.  Next year may not come. Life, Love, Laugh... Now.

Dylan Thomas - Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night

Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rage at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Day 55 of 100 - These Walls

We lock our doors before we go to bed at night and think this will keep us safe.  We don't let our children walk alone outside, we hesitate to post things on Facebook, and we tear ourselves apart debating on whether we are ready to take the next step.  This protective methodology is natural and has it's place in many cases, but mostly, it is restrictive, inhibiting and causes us to miss out on great learning and loving experiences.

My favourite song this week is "These Walls" by Teddy Greiger.  He writes:

"I can't believe what is in front of me

The water's rising up to my knees

And I can't figure out

How the hell I wound up here

Everything seemed okay when I started out the other day

Then the rain came pouring down

And now I'm drowning in my fears

And as I watch the setting sun

I wonder if I'm the only one"

We aren't alone.  We've all been there together, and separately at one point, or another.  Reaching out to others is truly the best thing you can do, to settle your fears, get your mind in order, and get ready to walk through the high waters.

I have the greatest friends, that when I start to wonder whether my decisions are valid, whether my fears are appropriate, or whether I should just take the next step - I can call (or text ;)) and in minutes they are there for me to tell me that they think I'm right (or remind me of what I've not thought of), that it's my life, that they will support me, that I shouldn't be afraid of drowning, that they won't let that happen.  I bet you have these friends too.  Count on them.  They know you.  They know what you need and they'll support you.

There are the same protective barriers in place for so many of us in relation to our relationships.  We set them up for ourselves to prevent us from letting ourselves love again:

"Cause everybody tries to put some love on the line

And everybody feels a broken heart sometimes, yeah

Even when I'm scared I have to try to fly

Sometimes I fall

But I've seen it done before"

I have friends who have managed to love each other and stay together for years.  I've seen it done before.  I have aunts and uncles who inspire me in their loving relationships.  I know that true love can exist, but we have to be ready to put it out on the line, we have to be ready to get cut, to bleed a little.  Just like our children running down the sidewalk and we can see the pavement is uneven and there are ridges, I am screaming inside because I don't want them to fall, I don't want them to be hurt - but if I stop them, they'll never learn to maneuver that sidewalk.  They'll be afraid to try in future.  They will learn to hesitate in their lives, in their work, and most especially in love.  

I have to let them learn, I have to let them fall, and they need to bleed a little. Bleeding does not kill us.  Bleeding shows us where we went wrong and allows us to learn - and in the meantime, we get to feel alive as we are running down that sidewalk, wind in our hair.

So with 45 days remaining in my journey to know myself better, I need to tell you - I'm running full speed ahead, and I'm prepared for that fall - which may, or may not ever come.  It'll be okay if I bleed, because I know my friends will be there for me, laughing at first of course, then to pick me up, mend the wounds, smarten up {yet again}, and carry on.  (Fall down seven times, stand up eight ;)).

I'm safe because I have my family and friends.  You are safe to try too, because you have me.  

Go ahead, start running, as I'm here for you when you need me.  You aren't alone. I've got your back.

xo

Day 54 of 100 days of me - Stay the Course

The definition of commitment is the state or quality of being dedicated to a cause, activity, etc. which seems to be quite tolerable, but the next definition begs to differ: an engagement or obligation that restricts freedom of action.

Restricts freedom?

I really hadn't considered commitment to mean that before. It never felt like giving up freedom, but instead in the positive sense of taking on a lifestyle that would meet the goal.

On reflection of this definition, I have to agree that the underlying reason a true commitment works is that you are giving up your freedom to do anything you want and promising yourself to behave only in the way in which you will meet your goal, your obligation, your responsibility, your end.

High performance in a race requires commitment to the training required to get there.  I have committed to the Full Ironman next year.  That means, beginning in January, there are no more excuses, no cheating, no falling off the plan, I must restrict my freedoms to do as I please, to sleep in every day, to eat whatever I want, to sit around and watch TV - none of those will occur.  Instead they are replaced with commitment to my schedule, waking up at 5am every day to ensure I get the extra hour of training in, being so tired at night, I don't ever watch TV (except the hockey game - I love watching the hockey games... until they go into overtime, and I fall asleep....)

Commitment to a relationship is much the same isn't it?  We give up the freedom to do as we please, to come and go as we like, to make decisions without discussing them with anyone, to go on a trip to anywhere with anyone, as it pleases us, and us alone.  In a committed relationship means you are no longer alone, but in a partnership where decisions, choices and actions are made in a duet that works and breathes together.

Commitment to anything requires making the right choices every day.  There is no longer right, or wrong but those such choices that either take you to the goal or take you from the goal.  Being confronted with options, differing opinions, and the challenges of our weaknesses.  Staying the course of that commitment is the biggest challenge we face.  

The most important element here, is that without a goal, there isn't commitment.  How can you know what actions to take that would indicate commitment, without knowledge of the goal in which you were seeking?

You must first have the goal.  The goal to remain in a relationship for instance.  The definition of what that relationship looks like, would need to be discussed between the two (assumed) people within the relationship.  Otherwise it is a goal without any scope.  It would be saying I'd like to run a race.  What race? How far? Where is the race?  How would I know how to commit to training for a race, if I hadn't determined when, where, and how long the race would be?  As such, you cannot commit to a relationship if you have not discussed the terms of that relationship.  

You must first have the desire, show the intent to get there, know your goal, create a clear description of that goal with a scope of what it looks like, then you can take the appropriate actions to commit to it.

Only when you know the course, can you stay on it.

In training, I know what I want.  I know what I wish to achieve. I want to complete an Ironman. I want to place in my age group, and qualify to race in Kona, Hawaii.  I know what it will take to commit to this goal.  It will be hard, but I'm no defeatist.  I'm going to give it everything I've got to get there.  The rewards of my training far outweigh the freedoms I am foresaking.

In love, I know what I want.  I know what I wish to achieve.  I want someone in my life that I am incredibly proud of, who feels very lucky to have me in their life.  I know what it will take to commit to this goal. :) It will be hard, but I'm no defeatist.  I'm going to give it everything I've got to get there. The rewards of love far outweigh the freedoms I am foresaking.

You fill in your own blanks... and most of all, stay the course:

In _________   I know what I want.  I know what I wish to achieve.  I want _______________.  I know what it will take to commit to this goal. :) It will be hard, but I'm no defeatist.  I'm going to give it everything I've got to get there.  The rewards of _______  far outweigh the freedoms I am foresaking.

Best of luck!!

xo

Day 53 of 100 - Fuck Yes!

Normally I attempt to behave on facebook and not use language that would offend anyone, but this article is so interesting, simple and well put, frankly, that I had to share it with you - thank you to the gorgeous and brilliant woman who shared this with me!! I hope I can put it to good work. ;)

http://markmanson.net/fuck-yes

Mark Manson is an author who writes about the same question as I had posed in Day 18 - Lucky, but in such a way that simplifies the entire question.  I had noted the quote "Don't be afraid to lose someone who doesn't feel lucky to have you".  I went on to describe how one would determine they were lucky to have someone.  Mark's way though, is much simplier.  If you are with someone who's attitude towards you is Fuck Yes! it is a pretty clear indication that they are INTO you.  If you are with someone and there is doubt, if you can't say Fuck Yes! to them, then what are you doing???

"The Law of “Fuck Yes or No” states that when you want to get involved with someone new, in whatever capacity, they must inspire you to say “Fuck Yes” in order for you to proceed with them.


The Law of “Fuck Yes or No” also states that when you want to get involved with someone new, in whatever capacity, THEY must respond with a “Fuck Yes” in order for you to proceed with them."

I love this.
SO SIMPLE.

Mark writes the following "tangible benefits" from this attitude:

1. You save yourself the grief of holding onto people who "aren’t that into you".

"End all of the headaches. End the wishing and hoping. End the disappoint and anger that inevitably follows. Start practicing self-respect. Become the rejector, not the rejected."

2. You save yourself the wasted time of life in the mediocre world, that inevitable leads to broken relationships.

"No longer pursue people you are so-so on for ego purposes. We’ve all been there. We were so-so about somebody, but we went along with it because nothing better was around. And we all have a few we’d like to take back. No more."

3. You'll know exactly where you stand.

"Consent issues are instantly resolved. If someone is playing games with you, playing hard to get, or pressuring you into doing something you’re unsure about, your answer is now easy. Or as I often like to say in regards to dating, “If you have to ask, then that’s your answer.”"

"Always know where you stand with the other person. Since you’re now freeing up so much time and energy from people you’re not that into, and people who are not that into you, you now find yourself perpetually in interactions where people’s intentions are clear and enthusiastic. Sweet!"

So... what do you say????

Day 52 of 100 days of me - TIME to LIVE.

On day 2, I posted the expression, "If you are depressed, you are living in the past; If you anxious, you are living in the future; if you are at peace, you are living in the present"

I am not depressed but I do sometimes feel sad for things that have passed. Days that were so enjoyable I miss them terribly and just want that back here with me, right now...

I am not anxious but I do sometimes worry about what the future may bring... what is going to happen? Will everything I hope for, come true... etc.. etc...

I have not yet learned to be completely at peace, and live entirely in the present.

HOW though???...

Yes, I am still finishing the book, the Power of Now.. and I haven't quite gotten to all the "how to" parts yet... I will get there, I promise.  In the meantime, this is what I DO KNOW:



The way we live in the present, and forget both past and future is to actually LIVE IN THE PRESENT.

What are you choosing to do right now?
What are you thinking about right now?
What people are you allowing to influence you, right now?

In order to be present, you must focus your mind on RIGHT NOW.

Stop thinking about yesterday, good or bad, it is gone now.
Stop thinking about tomorrow, unless you need to book an appointment or plan an event, it isn't here, Stop thinking about it.

Sit down, make a list of everything you would LOVE to do, if money and time were no option.
Then pick one and ask yourself, even if I don't have money, or time, what CAN I do, right now.

There is always chores, house cleaning, sorting, organizing... but difficult sometimes to motivate yourself to do those... so instead, what about the FUN stuff... those things you love.

For me....
Right now, I can write my blog.
Right now, I can finish my novel that I started, yes, in 2008....
Right now, I can play my guitar
Right now, I can record a new original song
Right now, I can call a friend I haven't spoken to in forever
Right now, I can play my favourite songs, sort through my old things and give away to Salvation Army the things I don't use any more
Right now, I can pick up that book I didn't finish, and finish it (I have many options of books to read!)
Right now, I can pour myself a glass of wine, and go sit outside and enjoy the gorgeous evening, not thinking about the past or the future, but loving this very moment of life.

What I will not do, right now, is feel sad for what is no longer here... and definitely not worry about what tomorrow has in store for me...

It's time to go LIVE ;)

xo

Day 51 of 100 - Fear of Love

So what are we afraid of anyways ? Fear is an overwhelming emotion, that will destroy any advancement, any success, any true emotional bonds with another person.

I remember standing on the rock, overlooking the ocean.  It was Hawaii, not that long ago. The sky was a beautiful rich blue, the ocean waves were wide and deep.  I looked down and realized that it seemed to be an incredible drop, likely 100 feet to the water.  I can't tell you what the real distance was as I never did get a measurement, nor did I jump.  There was one person already down in the water, treading water, holding a camera ready for his friends to jump.  There were three guys and one girl lined up to the right of me laughing, preparing.  I watched each of them jump.  My heart skipped a beat.  My palms were sweating with the excitement.  They landed, feet first, into the pacific and took a few minutes to go under and come back up.  WOW!!!   I wanted to go too.  I was wearing a long dress at the time, and I was thinking it wouldn't take long to run back to the car and change into my bathing suit.  But I didn't.  I was scared to go.  I thought the people I was with would find it an inconvenience.  I regret that moment.  I wish I had jumped.  I wish I had felt that air flow by me, and the wet, warm waters of the pacific engulf me as I traveled down below the water's surface and then pushed my arms downwards to get myself back up.

I wish I had, but I didn't.

When someone tells me they are afraid to do something, I am the very first to tell them to work through that fear. That our moments only come in few and far between opportunities and we have to jump at the chance when we get it.  We cannot let our fear of failure stop our doing something we love, or realizing a dream, or taking a chance....

I will rarely allow fear stop me.  This includes dancing in an open room when no one else has been brave enough to get up on the dance floor. This includes singing outloud, my absolute favourite song, without any backing tracks, a guitar to protect me, or yes, even effects to disguise my voice ;)

There are so many who are afraid of being in love.  They are afraid they would lose themselves. They are afraid of not having control.  They are afraid of being left.  They are afraid of so many things, I don't even understand.  

Psychology today writes, "So many of us live in fear of being vulnerable. We are told early on to be smart and toughen up. The dating world accepts, even promotes a culture of game-playing. Don’t call her for at least three days. Don’t say “I love you” first. Don’t tell him how you feel. Don’t let her see how much you like her. Being vulnerable is a mark of strength, not weakness. It means ignoring the voices in your head and acting on how you really feel. When you do this, you learn that you can survive, even when you get hurt. You’ll be able to live with more honesty and possibility, knowing that you’ve stayed yourself, even when the world around you wasn’t perfect."

I can't believe in this world.  I will not buy into this game playing.  You've heard me say this before, but it needs repeating now.  I hope these words give you the strength you are looking for, to get over your own fears.  I will travel far to be with you, if I love you.  I will tell you how I feel, if I love you.  I will not wait three days, just to show how tough I am.  I think I'm showing you, how tough I am, by being brave enough to be vulnerable. As perhaps I will not be loved back, perhaps the sentiment will not be reciprocated. But I will not be that girl on the edge, that never jumped.  

"What happens, if I find the man of my dreams, and he doesn't find me worthy??"

This is the fear of never being good enough.  

Jennifer Blanchard writes, "Know that you are good enough—Confidence starts with knowing what you’re good at and using it to your advantage. Make a list of all the things you’re good at, whether that be writing, playing video games or grilling a mean steak. When you reflect on the things that you are already good at, it helps get you in a more positive state-of-mind, which can then help boost your confidence enough to try something new (like writing)."

Take the time to write out what you are good at. Write out what makes you unique and what would make someone else very lucky to have you.  Write it out, so you can see it.  

When we take the time to write out our fears, our weaknesses, and then our strengths and our dreams - it puts us right where we need to be, to see the positive influence those words will have in our lives.

I can't tell you to just don't be afraid - that won't work.

I can tell you that fear can be erased, through practice, through acceptance and through a good old fashioned jump.

Just jump - only then can you know the truth.

xo

Day 50 of 100 days of me - BE BRAVE

On this fiftieth day I've got to tell you this has been the most interesting time for me.  I never imagined how much I could learn from writing.  This experience has been a wonderful journey of learning for me.  I have so much to offer to people on why and how to write - it is rejuvinating, refreshing and has made me better for it.  I love that so many of you read this blog and share with me your stories and your thankfulness.  It gives me encouragement to continue. I hope to inspire you, as I am trying to keep myself inspired.

The blog has shaped me, as I write the transformations and lessons to you.  I am no perfect being though, from my initial outset, of all the so called rules I made for myself, I've had many relapses.  I've cheated myself on nearly every one of my rules.  Truly if you look at day 0, you'll see I anticipated failure on many accounts.  I knew myself better than anyone, and know that even if we have a goal, doesn't mean we can stay on track 100% of the time.  We need to have forgiveness for ourselves and just learn to get back up again.  Lucky for you, it's only me that pays the price.  You need to know I am as human as any other, and learning from our own choices is part of the journey itself.

 

I can truly tell you that in nearly two months, I am stronger; I am happier; and I am excited to continue to grow and share with you this growth.

Together, we'll survive this crazy life.
and dammit - we're going to have fun doing so ;)

xo