6 days remain - 94 of 100 days of Me - Ruthless.

I started to write last night about one of the top lessons I learned in focusing on living and paying attention to what you are doing right now, but I got too tired to finish.  This morning when I woke, my attitude about this blog had changed direction, and I have molded it to suit what I really need to write about.

Ruthlessness.

to act without pity or compassion; cruel; merciless; opportunism.

I have great difficulty ever being ruthless. It goes against my very being, my very core.  I love putting energy into helping people.  Seeing people happy, makes me happy.  If someone is hurt, or sad, it destroys a small part of me.  I then have great difficulty causing more harm by being ruthless.

This is a problem in business environment when management expects you to make decisions that do not take emotion or concern for others into the picture.  As I am a manager, I am required to sometimes act without pity or mercy.  I do not do well in this world.  It destroys a small part of my very being.

In sports it is much the same.  If you want to win, you must be ruthless in your training and in your mindset in beating others - being better, on top of and ahead of, others.  There is no team when there is only one spot for first place.  As you can imagine, my core is different than this persona... perhaps why I am normally second, and third place.



The lack of being ruthless can be a problem in our lives when we let people walk all over us.  There is a middle ground of course, but I'm often to the left of it, myself.  I believe in my approach to such an extent and I remain in peace of mind because of it.  I believe my life will be better because I cared, even though it means I'll come out with less money, less material, less "success".  I guess, deep inside, success for me is being left at peace.  Peace of mind is more important to me than money, houses, things.  I don't mean I want to be alone, without people. I mean I don't want to fight, I am not interested in harming others for my gain.  I want to be in a place where we can just be happy and be free, with my friends, laughing, playing, living...  I know what you are thinking... this idealism is non existent.

In this world, we are not always allowed this freedom and we do need to stand up and fight, and be ruthless for it.  I was trained in the military to fight, to shoot, to stand guard.  I would have to pull that trigger and kill another human if that person were to encroach on my country's freedom, my child's freedom, my peace.  I would not enjoy doing so but I acknowledge I'd have to, and I know I'd find the courage to do so.



Despite all this, I remain true to my core beliefs.  That there is a better life when you have peace of mind, when you look after people, when you let go of material concerns, and allow living and loving to be the main focus of your being.



The Greeks were best and leaders in this area - yet there are plenty of stories of the ruthless Greeks as well.

My daughter this morning was showing me magic tricks.  I asked her if she believed there could ever be real magic, or was it always slight of hand and trickery of the mind.  She answered that she didn't believe in real magic that it was always based on tricks and slight of hand, but that she did believe in Karma.  I reminded her that I believed in Karma too... that I believe if we are good to people, animals, life... that it comes back to us, maybe not now, maybe not in the same form, nor by those same individuals, but it comes back and our lives are fulfilled for it.

The only time you'll find me being "ruthless" - without pity or merci - is with myself.  I do not let myself have excuses to not work hard at my job, workout in my training, or do the things the people I love need me to do for them, "pain is nothing" I say.

I do not let myself give up - the journey is far more rewarding than the fear of the end - as everything always works itself out....

I also, make time for my writing to the ruthless detriment of all other jobs that need doing in my life - as I know it fulfills me, and makes me a better person.  It opens my heart to love, and then that love comes into my life, and grants me the strength to continue to be exactly who I am.

7 days remain - 93 days of 100 - Write it down

Top 10 Countdown - #7: Writing it down is everything

I have been writing in a journal since I was 18 years old.  Actually, to be technical, I've been writing in a diary since I was 8 - give or take.  The writing out of your feelings, your expectations, your highlights and your concerns, is so fulfilling and gives you the opportunity to grow and achieve more than you would have otherwise.

When you write it down, you on one hand, expunge yourself of all concern by getting it out on paper, then on other other hand, you focus your thoughts on those things that are important to you - and in consequence your dreams, come true.

Anything I've ever written, that I wished for, or wanted, has come to pass.
Write it down.

Write what you want, and watch it come to life.

In day 14 I wrote about the book "The Secret" and what a big difference it made for me.  Try it - there is truly nothing to lose yet everything to gain.

The Lesson: When you take the time every day to write out what you are thinking and wishing it not only allows you to free your mind, but it allows you to focus on the real dreams, and what you think becomes what you do, and what you do, becomes your reality....  write it down.

8 days remain - 92 days of 100 - Top 10 Countdown

Top 10 Countdown - #8: Silencing the mind, finding positive influences, music, people and activities



Change your thoughts and you'll change your own world. Silence your mind and you'll never need to worry again about those complicated, negative thoughts.

The moment that I began thinking anything that went against a positive, upbeat and complimentary approach, I'd stop myself in my tracks.  I won't allow it.  There are a few songs I have in hand, that as soon as I started to feel negative, I'd put on, and they would redirect me immediately.  Our lives are far too short to sit and wallow in misery, to even feel sad, not good enough or disappointed in life... far too short.

I too, have been so lucky to have found friends that I could write and tell them I was feeling down that I needed them to pick me up and immediately they would do exactly that.

You need to have handy great music that will remind you how good life is.
You need to have friends you can write, who'll be there for you, write you back and remind you what is important.

Then you are alone, and there isn't anyone around to talk to.  What then? Then you need activities, those things you love to do alone that will cheer you up, make you feel alive and satisfied.

Write
Draw
Paint
Sing
Play an instrument
Play games
Run
Walk
Bike
Love your children
Love your family
Take care of a stranger
DO SOMETHING....

There is always something. There is also the silence.

Find a way to love the silence. Meditate.  Find a place quiet and alone.  Set a timer for 10 minutes, close your eyes and think of nothing.  Ideas will come. Tell them no.  Stress will try to seep in. Tell it no.  There is time to think later, time to stress anytime... now, right now, you will think of nothing but peace. Smell the air, breathe slowly.  Know that you are okay. All is going to be okay.

There have been times in the last year that I was so overwhelmed and sad... sad for loss, sad that things were not going to go my way in life.  But I found that living through them, experiencing these moments were far more valuable to me, than missing them altogether.  I won't shy away from pain.  I won't be afraid of loss.  Silence the mind and walk forward... the world is balanced, and there is far more happiness to be gained from those experiences than the pain that could come....

"Everything that kills me, makes me feel alive" - Counting Stars

Lesson learned:  Being silent and alone is the best time to truly know yourself, and know what you want in life.  Don't be afraid to spend time with yourself.  Music is your best friend, and will speak to you in ways no one ever can - have the best songs on hand to lift you up, get involved in activities that you love, and don't ever think you are lonely - there is always a friend out there who loves you.  Just say the word, they'll be there.

xo

9 days remain - 91 of 100 days of Me - Top 10 Countdown

Top 10 Countdown - #9: Living in the now - no past, no future, no regrets, no worries

Sorry to admit, I am still not finished reading "The Power of Now", but I will (thank you for listening, and caring enough to bring it in for me and now giving me endless time to complete it ;)).  So far, I've learned so much from beginning this book, and working on living in the moment.  It is so interesting, the concept that if you only concentrate on right now, you truly have no problems at all.

The problems we have, are with our feelings about what has past, or our worries about what may come.  If we simply acknowledge that the past is gone and the future non existent, then we sit with only now, only this moment.  What is truly wrong right now? Not too much.

Eckhart Tolle writes that we find true love, joy, and peace in the spaces between our stream of thought.  He writes that these gaps occur in rare moments, especially when the mind is rendered speechless. We need to work on silencing our minds, for moments at a time, each day to allow for these spaces to occur. It is when you STOP worrying, that these moments have a chance to thrive.

Just when you begin to worry about what may come, you need to stop yourself in your tracks and understand that you only have control over what you do right now - so say what you need to say, do what you need to do, because it is important to you right now - with no worry about the future state.

We cannot ignore decisions that will affect our future.  We cannot pretend things are okay, when they are not; however, we must take the time to appreciate and look after this moment right here in front of us, as it is all we truly have.

The Lesson: You will be surprised how much happier you will be, when you let go of your past, and let the future come in it's own course.  Make decisions based on right now, be satisfied with who you are right now, look around, and realize - this is good, and everything really is okay, right now. So, live on with no regrets, be strong and be yourself, with no worries.  Right now the world is ready for you to live in it's presence.

10 days remain - 90 days of 100 days of Me - Top 10 Countdown begins

I actually can't believe there are only 10 days remaining.  When I began it seemed as if it were an eternity to commit to.  There is so much more to say, so much more to write, but these next 10 days  will focus on my top 10 lessons learned.  They could go in any order, as they are all important to me.

I'll begin with my favourite lesson: Love and the Rules of the Game.

The whole 100 day blog began with me not understanding love and the rules of the game.  Love does not come because you want it to, it doesn't arrive when you are searching for it, it doesn't walk up to you because you need it.... it arrives precisely when you have decided you are going to be perfectly okay, without it.

I began by deciding I was not going to look for love, I was completely and entirely ready to be single. No consideration of love, no looking for a love interest.  I created four rules for myself that I felt would prevent and protect me from going down this path. They were my measuring stick for my behaviour, to guide me through the journey of finding myself.  The point of the journey, was not to live life without men, but to make absolutely sure I did not lose sight of myself, with them.  I felt that if I focused on myself in a positive way for 100 days I would make sure I would not become down or negative emotionally if a guy wasn't interested in a relationship with me.

It worked.

The more I focused on me, I most definitely became stronger, and I stayed completely in control of myself and my needs.  What happened next is the stuff that great stories and novels are made of.  I find it the most interesting and strangest phenomenon, that life happens to you exactly in those moments where you aren't concerned for what may come. You tend to find what you are "looking for", precisely at the moment you decide to stop looking.

I love the song by Avicii where he writes, "All this time I was finding myself, And I didn't know I was lost".

My rules were four simple ones:

#4 DO THINGS ALONE.  No more looking for a man to go on adventures, go on trips, come with me camping, to go with me to sporting events, to go with me to concerts nor to support me in my competitions.  I will attend all functions with girlfriends, or alone.  No more having fear of doing anything without a man with me.

I did many things alone, I wrote many blogs about how to handle being alone, how to stay positive and how to enjoy your time and freedom on your own.  I am completely okay with doing things alone, I went out a number of times to open mic's, went to a club to watch a football or hockey game, and had dinner out alone (does it still count if the bartender kept me company ??) :)  Rarely did I ever feel alone, and often people came up and were great company.

#3 No obsessing over anyone (I write this at the same time I check facebook one last time in case he has logged in to write me… I SO need help).  No checking to see if a letter is written, no looking at cell phone for a text – even if they do text it doesn’t mean they care about you nor want a relationship with you.

I was equally good at not obsessing. I stayed completely cool at accepting what came and what didn't come.  I spent time focusing on the present, not the future.  What was happening right now was all that mattered and what would come, would come - of that I had no control.  I knew that I only had control over this moment, and I wasn't going to waste it worrying or obsessing about the unknowns.

#2 Hanging out with men is perfectly okay, hugging goodbye even – French pecks on each cheek, no problem – but I know the line I cannot cross even if my heart wants to.  No more than friendship, no discussion of relationships, no flirting, no promises of the future.  

True, I did pretty good at this rule also.  Any teacher would not have scored me a full 100% grade, but I'm quite positive I passed.  In my associations, there was no real discussion of a future, definitely no promises, and absolutely no expectations - I continue to take each and every day as a journey of it's own and will not put any energy into what may never come to pass.  That is future state, I've said.  It isn't something to decide on or worry over, now.

#1 No sex, no kissing, no getting together, no giving away one’s heart.  I am single.  I will remain single in my very core, in my heart, in my mind, and in my actions for 100 days. (this is going to kill me for sure ;))

It didn't kill me, mostly because I stopped listening to this rule.  I liked Mark Twain's advice instead:

"Life is short. Break the Rules, Forgive quickly, Kiss Slowly, Love truly, Laugh uncontrollably, and Never regret ANYTHING that makes you smile"

I felt rule number one would only affect me if I behaved as though I was in a relationship. So, I chose not to do that.  I made the conscious choice to remain single.

As I wrote in an earlier blog, this challenge was never meant to remain celibate.  It was not my need, wish, or want to be alone, or away from men. It was not an attempt to understand what being single was like. It most especially was not a time to mourn, nor recover.  It was purely a journey to remain positive and focused on myself.

To this end I have accomplished that goal; however, it was in the process of working on me, remaining solo and strong, not needing anyone but myself, that the man of my dreams walked right into the room, sat down in front of me and smiled.  Mark Twain's quote came to mind "to never regret anything that makes you smile."  Smiling back, I knew immediately, I'd never be the same.

In my mind, we may have the power to choose to remain single forever, but our hearts will always have a plan all their own, for mine has packed up and flown off on a journey to the warmest, most serene and surreal of landscapes... it makes me so happy inside, I wouldn't consider asking it to return.

Fly on...

The Lesson Learned ? 

Love yourself first; create rules that give your life structure, meaning and protection - then allow yourself the freedom to be open minded, break your rules, and find pure happiness in living fully; for there are no rules in love, only that you must take care of yourself first.  You must remain whole and in that moment where you are happy with who you are, you may be surprised to find others who think you are pretty damn awesome too.

11 days remain - 89 days of 100 - I don't go back

Tomorrow I'll begin with the countdown, of the 10 greatest lessons I've learned on this journey. Today I want to recollect the 11th day of my 100 days of me.  I was looking introspectively at how I made decisions and then questioned the merit of them, down into outright feeling embarrassed by them and wishing I hadn't made that choice.  I noted that I felt it important to make the decision and don't look back, live in the moment, and do not accept regret as an option.

I haven't looked back in the last 80 plus days.  I have looked at the blogs I wrote to remind myself what my goals were but in my own journey, I have not looked back.  Not once in fact.  This is partly due to the positive approach I've given to myself, but another largely contributing factor is the promise I made myself years ago - I don't go back.  

This applies to the simplest things like passing a gas station and deciding I'll stop at the next one rather than turn around.  Forgetting something at home and deciding I will make due without it as I will not drive back to get it.  To the more complicated things like forgetting bad things that have happened to me, moving on from a relationship and not looking back, forgetting the stress of the harm that may have been caused to me and being social with those people I would have otherwise been forever upset with.  I haven't necessarily forgiven them, I just don't give any energy to remembering, worrying, or focusing on the negative. I move on... I let it all go....

I don't go back.

I do not regret my decisions. 

An ex is an ex for a reason... 

“Always focus on the front windshield and not the review mirror" - Colin Powell

This may sound silly but it has been my saving grace throughout my life.  I spend all my energy looking ahead, thinking about what is important, what would make me happy, who is a good friend and worthy of my time, and what adventures I will get involved in to add value to my life and to those around me.  I am a runner... I run to get to the finish line, I do not look over my shoulder at the racers behind me.  I may hear them, I may feel them breathing, but I never look back.  I push myself forward faster believing they may catch up to me - they may not even be there.... 

We don't always know where we are headed, and we certainly can't tell if it is the right path.  There are plenty of risks and chance for pain along the way, but we must stay steady on the course.  We will know when it is not the right way, and can redirect anytime.  There is always time to change our course but do so without regret to what could have been - that does not belong to us.

There is a song by Doris Day that was one of my favourites as a little girl.  My grandmother used to sing it to me, and it truly embodes that sense of not worrying for the future, and certainly not looking back at the past:

Que Sera, Sera,

Whatever will be, will be

The future's not ours, to see

Que Sera, Sera

What will be, will be.

When I was young, I fell in love

I asked my sweetheart what lies ahead

Will we have rainbows, day after day

Here's what my sweetheart said.

Que Sera, Sera,

Whatever will be, will be

The future's not ours, to see

Que Sera, Sera

What will be, will be.

- We will never know for sure, but it is worth it to just keep moving forward.  To not know is part of the dance. Live, love, and laugh with no regrets.

"Yes my life is better left to chance, I could have missed the pain but I'd have had to miss the dance" - Garth Brooks

xo

12 days remain - 88 of 100 days - Being Alone

I am the oldest child in my family.  I spent five long years alone before my brother came along and only met my other 3 sisters and brother when I was 18 years old.  I was not needy of my parents - they did adult things, I did kid things.  I played alone.  I would take the old sewing pattern books that my aunt was finished with and I would cut out people out of them.

   

I loved making stories out of the characters I'd cut out.  I'd proceed to create different families and friendships with all the paper dolls and sometimes I'd even write the stories down.  I played "house" all the time.  I can even remember that when I would take a bath the shampoo bottles became people to me, and I'd have them talk to each other.  Is that crazy? ;)  Perhaps this taught me that being alone was okay, and could even be fun.

I wasn't alone all the time, as I'd go out and play with friends who lived in my neighbourhood, we'd bike and run up and down the street causing trouble of one sort or another, but I didn't need other people to have a good time.  I'm so proud of my daughter as she is very much the same as I was. She will sit alone for hours and draw cartoons, listen to music, read books, and play with her toys.  My older two children who are only 14 months apart don't like to be alone - perhaps because they always had each other, that being alone is too foreign a feeling for them.

            

As much as I am very comfortable alone, I am equally a very social person and love being around others.  I love to go to parties and spend time laughing with friends.  This week I actually had tears come to my eyes, when I realized I wouldn't be invited to some of the usual parties anymore since I was no longer with my husband and his friends would obviously not be able to continue the invitations under the circumstances.  This is the first year that I didn't attend a Halloween party at all. I didn't even dress up.  Halloween has always been a favourite time of year for me.  Seemed so surreal to me to be isolated from the life I had become very accustomed to, but never once have I regretted my alone time.

Although I was alone the majority of this weekend, I was never lonely, and I got so much done I'd been looking forward to accomplishing - I am very happy about this life.  I played the music I loved, I sang and danced while working away at laundry, cleaning, sorting, organizing, outdoor work, and repairs.



James Davies writes, "People tend to think that being alone directly correlates to loneliness. Being alone and being lonely are two different things. Loneliness is a negative state of mind where you are always longing for something to fill the void. Alone is a positive state of mind where you are always and constantly delighted in yourself."

I'd like to add to this that loneliness is a self imposed infliction where you are restless and feel you need another person to fulfill you.  Being alone is simply a state of not having others around, and may be taken negatively or positively - always a choice.  I believe we should try to be alone more often and find things that we love to do in those moments that make us happy and complete.  We can learn so much about ourselves in those moments in which we are alone.  It is only then that we should venture out to share with others.  I think if we are always counting on someone else to make us feel complete, it is far too much pressure on them to be there for you.  There are going to be plenty of times in our lives that people cannot be there for us - WE have to be there for ourselves.



There is no such thing as being unwanted. That is the mindset that must be squelched.  This is what we do to ourselves when we are in a negative state.  Precisely why I started the blog in the first place.  To break free from negative thoughts where I tried to convince myself that I wasn't okay alone.  I am completely okay alone.  I don't always want to be alone, but when I am, I am never bored as there are always so many things on my to do list that I either need to get done, or love to do.

Free from the influence and opinions of others, being alone is the one time we can fully be ourselves and enjoy the moment unrestrained.  Take advantage of your time alone - it can be priceless. xo

Other quotations:

“I have to be alone very often. I'd be quite happy if I spent from Saturday night until Monday morning alone in my apartment. That's how I refuel." (Audrey Hepburn: Many-Sided Charmer, LIFE Magazine, December 7, 1953)”
― Audrey Hepburn

“I was lonely. I felt it deeply and permanently, that this state of being on my own might never disappear. But I welcomed the lonliness, which had everything to do with being anonymous. It's never lonliness that nibbles away at a person's insides, but not having room inside themselves to be comfortably alone.”
― Rachel Sontag, House Rules

“If you are never alone, you cannot know yourself.”
― Paulo Coelho, Manuscript Found in Accra