Day 71 of 100 - The untamed

"To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else, means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting." ~E.E. Cummings, 1955

71st day of committing to remain single, for me.  Why? Because 71 nights ago, I found myself in an evening as ordinary as any other, where I sat there on my bed and I was questioning who I am, and whether I was worthy of love...  and decided, I was not going to do that anymore.

No More.
Enough.
Those thoughts are no longer allowed to be a part of my psyche.

Instead I choose to think about what is important to me, what I can tolerate and live with, but as the quote below shows, more than anything, I choose to attract in my life those people that I cannot live without.

We are the untamed, the worthy of love - most of all, we must feel worthy enough to love ourselves in all of our weakness and strength. It is too easy to place blame on ourselves, but I think it's important instead, to say it's okay to be weak, it's okay to be tolerant, it's okay to stay in a safe relationship, it's okay to remain where you are, it's okay to be exactly who we need to be in order to be alive and well.  If you can look in the mirror and say, I love who I am, and my choices are in support of that person - then I believe you are okay.

There is an entry in a journal of mine from March of 2000 where I write the following poem:

Bright Sun
California Sky
Blue waters
Captured by
Leaves of Green
Grasslands vast
Salted Splash
Pink and Grey Sands
Mountains High
Breath of life
Passes by

Rejuvenation
Wind in your hair

The Beauty is endless

How fresh is the air
Long to return
one day soon
By Plane, by car
Thunderous Boom
The roar and drive
Within to change
Life as it is
Must rearrange

Stood up again
What can I say
Another excuse
Another day
How long would I wait
How patient be
Not enough
Apparently
For now, I'm done
Despite your tries

For now is enough
Not going to lie
I do not want
This kind of trip
There are other things
I long to do
Other men
Who would be true
"He's a good guy"
I'll always say
Just not for me
Not today

I share this poem to show that fourteen years ago, I knew what I needed for myself.  Despite that knowledge I made the conscious decision to put aside those needs and dedicated myself to making that relationship work. I was fully engaged in it.  I have no regrets, and I'm not sharing this to cause any hurt.  I am sharing to try to show you that we actually do know ourselves very well, and we know what we need, what is important to us, what we can tolerate and when it becomes intolerable.  We make choices in our lives based on those very key instincts and I think it is safe to say, that that itself, is OKAY.

We always know.
As I knew.
I know now too.
I know now that I need, and want, what is healthy for me, and what isn't.

Know that being single,engaged, married, or committed right now is neither a problem, nor a solution, it is simply a state of being.

We need to focus on loving ourselves enough, to allow ourselves to make good choices in support of this love and the ultimate needs that we have. Only then will we be able to make the right decisions.

The goal is the focus.  Making YOU the priority - not in a selfish, neglectful to others way, not in a gold digging, abusive, or using way... but most simply, being true to what is right and good for us.

I won't say BE YOURSELF - but I will say:  allow yourself to BE.

Favourite Quotes:

He who trims himself to suit everyone will soon whittle himself away. ~Raymond Hull

We all wear masks, and the time comes when we cannot remove them without removing some of our own skin. ~André Berthiaume, Contretemps

We are what we pretend to be, so we must be careful about what we pretend to be. ~Kurt Vonnegut

“God, no. I don’t want to tame her, I want to watch her. I just want to watch her be herself – it turns me on like nothing else.” 

― Dianna Hardy, The Spell of Summer

Day 69 of 100 - How to stay "29"

It is kind of exciting that the 69th day of the 100 day blog, comes on the eve of my birthday.  My birth of course being in the year of 1969.  Yes, I admit it.  I am no longer 29, even though most days I still feel 29 - and intend to continue feeling that way, as long as health permits me.  I still believe it is all attitude, mind over matter, and the power of discipline.

How to stay "29";)

1. Eat right.  Healthy eating means your body can easily cope and adapt to the wear and tear of the years.  You get the right amount of energy and nutrition in, there isn't anything you can't accomplish.

http://www.cancer.org/treatment/treatmentsandsideeffects/complementaryandalternativemedicine/dietandnutrition/macrobiotic-diet

2. Workout.  Being young at heart, truly means having a fit heart. Cardiovascular activity is critical to maintain heart health.  Find a sport you love and do it often.  Workout in between - careful boys, hockey is an anaerobic sport, so unless you are training for it by doing cardio 5 times a week and playing 3 times a week, it isn't quite the same for cardiovascular health.

http://www.heart.org/HEARTORG/GettingHealthy/PhysicalActivity/FitnessBasics/American-Heart-Association-Recommendations-for-Physical-Activity-in-Adults_UCM_307976_Article.jsp

3. Laugh often.  The best way to feel wonderful and youthful is to not take everything so damn serious.  Smile alot, laugh often, and live fully.

http://www.helpguide.org/articles/emotional-health/laughter-is-the-best-medicine.htm

4. Sleep well.  Sleep is so important to replenish muscle, and cellular tissue broken down during the day. Much needed energy is restored.  Good sleep is a must to remain youthful.

http://sleepfoundation.org/sleep-tools-tips/healthy-sleep-tips

5. Have Sex.  Besides the obvious, sexual relationships keep you feeling youthful by a number of psychological, physiological, and chemical triggers including the human body remaining productive, producing human growth hormone and other important hormones that would otherwise decline if not required by the body.

http://www.womenshealthmag.com/health/health-benefits-of-sex

6. Get out there.  Time with great groups of friends makes you feel not only youthful, but that life is worth living. Keeping active with a group of like minded people, is the most rejuvenating thing you can do for yourself.  So find something you love to do, join a group, and participate.  Live!!

http://www.succeedsocially.com/sociallife

Day 61 of 100 - Feeling Good

I love this quote by Dolly Parton, “People always say, ‘You seem to always be so happy,’”  she tells Southern Living magazine. “But I’m not always happy. Nobody is happy all the time. I’m a very sensitive person. I’m a songwriter, so I have to live with my feelings on my sleeve. I have to not harden my heart, because I want to stay open to feel things. So when I hurt, I hurt all over. And when I cry, I cry real hard. And when I’m mad, I’m mad all over. I’m just a person; I like to experience whatever the feeling is and whatever I’m going through. But I have a good attitude. And I was born with a happy heart. I’m always looking for things to be better.”

...and, so, that too is me.  I hate to admit it, but when I get upset, I'm all mad, every part of me is involved in that emotion; and when I cry (and yes, I most certainly do cry) it takes over my entire soul.  I cry hard and deep.  But you don't get to see that.  That side of me is very much reserved and protected.

It takes great strength to understand your own frustrations and pain, accept them as fact, accept them as past, and move on.  Put your game face on, and keep walking forward.  Finding positive in everything around you, allowing yourself to be free of those events, and people, and taking control of your life by committing to being happy - or even moreso, joyful.

Two great videos to make sure to watch are: Ted talks"The Power of Vulnerability" and spoke with Oprah on Super Bowl Sunday.

There is no joy without gratitude, Brene writes "...for 12 years... I have never interviewed a single person who talks about the capacity to really experience joy who did not actively practice gratitude..."

She describes joy as terrifying.... because you could love someone so much, it brings you so much joy, and then the fear rushes in... "when we lose our tolerance to be vulnerable, joy becomes foreboding"....  

She says many of us do not allow ourselves to experience joy fully, because we are too afraid of losing it!!

So, she says if we write things down, practicing gratitude, we end up appreciating the little things and find incredible joy in them.

Another one of her quotes, which resonates with me very deeply, and is also what drives me to practice being strong and confident is the fact that I want my children to be without shame, to be proud of who they are, confident and strong... no matter what that picture may look like:

"You can’t raise children who have more shame resilience than you do. Because even if you don’t shame them, and even if you are actively trying to raise them feeling good about who they are, they’re never going to treat themselves better than you treat yourself. So that’s the bad news and the good news, but mostly the sucky news. If you want to raise a daughter with a really healthy body image, you better love your body as a mother, because that counts way more than looking at your daughter and saying “You’re beautiful and your body is beautiful.” All that matters to her is how she sees you acting with your own body. Which sucks. We can’t give children what we don’t have. We just have to be the adults we hope they grow up to be."

Just last week, my youngest daughter and I were dancing in the kitchen while I cooked dinner.  We were shaking it all over, not worrying a moment for what we looked like, what our bodies were like, nor whether we were good or not.  We were loving the music, and our time together, and that was all that really mattered.  There is no room for negativity in a world where you allow yourself to dance, to love, to sing, and to feel.  So let yourself go, will ya!! ;) In no time, you'll be feeling good....

"Birds flying high
You know how I feel
Sun in the sky
You know how I feel
Breeze driftin' on by
You know how I feel
It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
For me
And I'm feeling good
I'm feeling good"

- Feeling good, by songwriters Anthony Newley and Leslie Bricusse

Day 60 of 100 - The Journey - a poem.

The Journey
by Karen Ritchie Brown
October 8th 2014 - the 60th blog posting, of 100 days of me.

Upon this restless journey
Thus create a timeless show
Attempt to be the best one can
Attempt to share what little is known

Not always pleasing every heart
Not here to do what's right
Wish only to survive this time
Plow forth through listless plight

The solo has a unique place
A melody to ring
Yet finding harmony to join
The real love yet to sing

In music one can find themselves
Our destiny awaits
The choice is ours to play our song
Each step ours to create

Walk forward n'er to hesitate
Have courage and be strong
We only have ourselves to be
No other can prove wrong

So don't look back, trust in your path
You always have the choice
To turn again, a road anew,
With confidence, your voice

- at 60 days, I felt poetic.  Sometimes fewer words, mean more.

Day 59 of 100 - The Run

I can't remember the first time I ran a race.  (Mom reminds me it was in grade 7 though, just before I got my hernia - guess I always pushed a little to hard ;))

Growing up in Sault Ste. Marie though, we ran everywhere - up Pim Hill, down Church St. to the river, along Queen to Bellevue park and all the way back home when the lights came on at night.  Chasing the boys around the school yard was another memory quite clear in the mind... Those poor boys...

My favourite race - the first really important accomplishment - happened in grade school at lunch hour.  I attended Alex Muir Public School in SSM and one year, a new girl arrived on the scene.  She was tall, long blond hair, great long legs and a spirit as tough as nails.  One day, she called me out. I can't remember why or even how it came about but the challenge was set. We were going to race. The best runner would be the winner of the race and the school yard would witness this event.  She was likely twice my size, as I was always tiny, and she bragged that she would beat me in a race of 100 or 200 meters - the length I don't quite remember.  It was basically from one side of the school yard to the other.

I went home first at lunch time, had something to eat, most likely a peanut butter and jam sandwich - my absolute favourite! - and I can remember jogging back to school for the big race.  I can remember thinking the jog would warm up my legs and get me ready to go.  I couldn't have been more than 10 or 11 years old! We lined up along a line drawn in the sand, and someone yelled GO!  I had to push my legs twice the speed to keep up to her lengthy stride.  She was ahead at first but by the time that end point arrived I was in front and so overwhelmingly happy, proud, satisfied and alive.  I will never forget that feeling and to this day... it's why I'm so competitive, I think.

Racing then became a life for me.  I joined into the Friendship Games, which were an annual summer track and field competition between Soo Michigan and Soo Ontario.  I ran the 400m, the 800m and did high jump.  I was never the best, but I was always a contender, and I truly loved to train and race.

High school track and field, cross country running and a few other sports thrown into the mix like basketball, volleyball, and ringette kept me busy, and entertained.  My best friends were found through my love of sports and it kept me alive.

I can remember telling myself, it didn't matter if I was pretty or not, I had my legs.  I loved my legs.  They'd carry me through anything.  I loved to run.  I could run away from all my troubles and run toward my future.

Grade 13 was the year I truly shined.  I had a male running partner in my grade 13 year at White Pines whom was a great friend.  He was a strong runner, faster than me, so he kept me pushing myself in our training.  We'd run every day after school, 5 kilometers or so, and did hill work, intervals and other track work.  I won the 3000 meters in the city track and field competition that year, and went on the place 3rd in all of Northern Ontario.

I had left home in grade 13 and lived on my own, attending a different high school. Due to being at a new high school it disqualified me from attending OFSSA.  I'll never know how I would have placed at the all Ontario competition, but it doesn't matter.  I was a runner and I now was very strong.

In the military we began longer runs upwards of 16 kilometers with a full 60lb ruck sack and a rifle in hand.

It is little surprise then, that I've made running a part of every year.

Some years were not good years - it hasn't always been rosy and easy - I gained a lot of weight when my Thyroid stopped working years ago, and my 5km races were close to 28 minutes long to complete.  I'd be in SO MUCH PAIN at the end of them... it was challenging to get through.

With perseverance though, we CAN accomplish anything physical. My 5km now is down to 22:19 and I'm hoping in two weeks, if I can get over this concussion I have, that I'll be able to run a 1:42 half marathon and qualify for New York Marathon.

The most important fact is, we must do what we love with so much passion that we become very good at it, as with this perseverance comes great reward.

Day 58 of 100 days of me - What you Believe

"If you believe in yourself, and you believe that you are worthy - whatever you focus on with all of your mind and pursue with all your heart, you will achieve." - Unknown author

In an earlier blog, I wrote about Julia Cameron's The Artists Way and how I have been journaling now for so many years, I've had the opportunity to look back on those things I have wished for, believed in, and wanted - and witnessed every one of those things come true.  I have the family I had always wanted, a dream home, a great job, incredible friendships, happiness beyond measure, health that cannot be denied, richness and the freedom to enjoy my life, and a life full of passion.

Janna Krawczyk writes in her blog entitled Writing Your Way to What You Want  "I didn’t know how to get what I wanted. I just kept writing about what I wanted. And as I continued to write, I became clearer and more specific about the life I wanted to create."

I am not the only one who has found that by writing out the life we want to lead, it actually becomes a reality.

I know that not everything I write will be understood, believed, or agreed to by everyone.  I know that my writing can be, at times, misleading, flawed, naive, simplistic and narcissic.  However, despite all that, I do believe, the most important thing, is not that we behave perfectly, creating a written word that is without scrutiny or doubt, but only that we do create, that we do write, that we do find ourselves somewhere in those words, and most of all, that we create the life we wish to be in, through those letters.

“Most of us are not raised to actively encounter our destiny. We may not know that we have one. As children, we are seldom told we have a place in life that is uniquely ours alone. Instead, we are encouraged to believe that our life should somehow fulfill the expectations of others, that we will (or should) find our satisfactions as they have found theirs. Rather than being taugh to ask ourselves who we are, we are schooled to ask others. We are, in effect, trained to listen to others' versions of ourselves. We are brought up in our life as told to us by someone else! When we survey our lives, seeking to fulfill our creativity, we often see we had a dream that went glimmering because we believed, and those around us believed, that the dream was beyond our reach. Many of us would have been, or at least might have been, done, tried something, if...
If we had known who we really were.”
― Julia Cameron

“I have learned, as a rule of thumb, never to ask whether you can do something. Say, instead, that you are doing it. Then fasten your seat belt. The most remarkable things follow.”
― Julia Cameron

Day 57 of 100 - Feeling Good

I first heard of Janis Joplin when I was in my early teens.  I loved the bluesy feel of her voice and the warmth of her style.  I loved the passion she gave to her music.  I can never do her justice, but I sure do love performing her music.  One of my favourite all time lines (written of course not by Janis but by Kris Kristofferson) is "Feeling good was good enough for me..."

I do believe that we need to find that place in our world that allows us, within ourselves to feel, really good - and allow that to be good enough, success enough, living life full enough... 

You know what I completely think is awesome?  

What I think really feels good, and is most certainly good enough for me ?  

The feel of cool crisp and clean sheets

Hot Sun on my face, even in winter

Floating in Lake or Ocean water 

Listening to melodic music

Moving or dancing to a great bass beat

The taste of a delicious meal

Being with you

It really is the little things that count the most, if we can learn to love them and appreciate them.